A journey to embrace, explore, and honor the Freedom and Power inherent in active recovery.

No more shame...

No more shackles....

No more secrets.

The path--and the Power--are within. Be Free.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Terminal Uniqueness & Martyrdom

Forest,.. meet trees.

I have tried to be the master of my own world--albeit with
enlightened ideas and high-minded principles, since I could
certainly see how 'superior' my version of the world was...
even when my actions did not bear fruit and I hit my bottom.

That sense of independence has carried through into recovery,
too, although I am learning the benefit of being more open and
trying tolerance and interaction more often. "Working on it!"

But simply to hear similar thoughts, opinions, stories, and
insanity come out of the mouths of others has been a blessing.
To be confronted with the reality that my sickness is not as far
gone, as strange, as 'out there,' or--as one member put it--
'terminally unique' as I imagined it to be....this is what I needed.
A reality check.

Because for far too long I was a 'Misfit' who could not relate.
 I was the person 'no one could understand.' I was unlovable.
And I grew attached to all these ideas and even helped further
them (sometimes consciously, sometimes not.) My isolation
became its own creation, and I have now learned that the sense
of aloneness and isolation and disconnect are themselves a
crucial aspect of this disease!

What a genuine joy to know I am not truly alone after all....
if I don't choose to be!

Today, I can choose what thoughts--and then actions--I to
give weight in my life. Today, I know there is another way,
and it  is not self-destruction. Isolation has its place. So does
independence and knowing myself. It can't be all one thing
or another. Balance is the key.

Life is good...if I choose well and learn new methods.
It is not unwell simply because of where my focus might
lie in a moment of sickness.


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