It's been a helluva year.
I've been under-employed and un-employed for most of it,
made a full and final break from all things 12 Step, and
got a true understanding of who's there to support me
in the end.
I have withdrawn from most relationships,
I lost 3 friends and one of my babies to death,
my mother and 3 others
close to her are suffering from dementia, and
I'm penniless.
I'm gaining weight at an astonishing pace,
I have more illnesses that have popped up and the
existing ones were exacerbated, I was
hospitalized for emergency treatment, and I have
been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Repeatedly.
But though it all I have become stronger and more
resilient.
I have grown to know myself and understand the
world better.
I have lessened my demands on what I need
of life, and given myself more respect and love.
And I never once gave in to the temptation to
use drink or other drugs to medicate, for
which I am very happy and proud.
All the hardships and disappointments and betrayals
are just like the pains and ailments and aches;
they are part of the whole experience.
Not a favored part, but a real part.
I choose not to let it color my experience of the whole,
but I also embrace them as a necessary
aspect of the entire being, the entire experience.
I don't think it's about trying to maintain some super-cool,
perfunctory, mega-disciplined, tooth-revealing perma-smile,
holier-than-thou, perfectionist falsehood.
Life just is.
No demons or angels or divine interventions.
It's messy and strange and horrible and fucked up.
There are moments of profound happiness, relief,
maybe even joy, but it isn't the norm. And anyone
who tells you otherwise I think has some serious issues
with reality or truth.
I'm good how I am.
I'm good where I am.
I'm happy as I am.
No longer do I require an external source for my
contentment or validation.
There's no room in me for any one or any
thing that doesn't support and validate me.
I'll take every single consequence that
such a bold action offers.
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