A journey to embrace, explore, and honor the Freedom and Power inherent in active recovery.

No more shame...

No more shackles....

No more secrets.

The path--and the Power--are within. Be Free.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Paying it Forward..Obliviously

One of the non-working and dangerous aspects of 12-Step
program is the over-emphasis on abstinence without addressing
the real origins of the alcohol or drug dependence that spawned it.

Abstinence is a start; drying out is necessary for beginning healing.

But within Program, it's the distraction of meeting attendance that
ends up being the most viable 'support' for many. An endless
parade of forced smiles and pretenses of how 'great' things are.
Tepid and feigned fictions of wonderful lives, lest anyone think
we weren't "doing what we were told" or being in 'close enough
contact' with a God of other member's understanding.

Once more, the need for approval and acceptance leads to
compulsive pandering and pretending, which are at root of
most all addicts' true problems. AA and NA are an hourly
show-and-tell where members reinterpret their realities to
reflect 12 Step philosophy. "Look at me! See how well I can
recite and promote and jump through hoops?"

Raw emotion is not expressed; everything must be poured
through the filter of 'everything for a purpose,' learning to be
passive and self-less, and prostrating yourself before the
opinions and advice of others.

The format of the program rewards 'winners' and fitting in, and
therefore the need to reflect the wishes of others becomes a
necessity in order to receive the vaunted inclusion.

Neglecting truth is the expense of having a place to belong.

Avoiding our insides is what led us to darkness and despair
to start with. It's a pattern that must be broken.


Monday, January 23, 2012

Lonely is a Relative Term

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
- Green Day, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

Taking a path that dares to venture apart from
the beaten one is difficult in many respects.

Others will berate you and deride you in an
attempt to puff themselves up and cover their
fear over the independence you exhibit (which
they lack.)

The manifestation of an individual path is
not pre-determined and therefore cannot be
graded or approved based upon the simple
and noted 'typical' way. Determining that
it is acceptable is a one-man (or woman) job;

People will always hate and fear that which
they do not understand.

Man is a beast of habit, ritual, and comfort.
He veers towards the lit and easy path, and
seeks those who reflect his own visage.

Just know that the unexpectedness of a
'less beaten path' is part of the benefit of it.
The discovery, the strength, the awareness
of learning how much you are capable of
without the scraps or pittances of other
people is truly liberating.

Take the first step. Believe in yourself, today.


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Attendance Requirements

If you are the right type of person..
(the right race, the right sexual orientation...
the right political affiliation, the right religion, ....)

If you take orders well and acquiesce to mob rule...

If you fit into our clique or are willing to realign yourself
so that you can fit....

If you think shame and authoritarian rule are good lessons
to live by...

If you want to claim responsibility while passing it off
onto fairy tales and invisible friends.....

If you want to ignore your own problems by virtue of
putting your unqualified nose in other people's business...

If you like being dismissed and tolerated instead
of being loved and accepted....

If you want to substitute one addiction for another...

If you enjoy compartmentalizing your life...

If you want to talk endlessly about alcohol and drug
abuse and revel in your glory days...

If you want to pose and posture condescendingly
and exert control over sad, sick, vulnerable folks...

there is a special place for you in the 12 Step Universe!

Come get your brain washed today!
You lucky, lucky, lost soul, you!


Monday, January 16, 2012

A Well-Dressed Lie is Still a Lie

People who are invested in
fanatically avoiding
coping with their own reality
are not capable of
helping you address yours.

But they will tell you otherwise,
through clenched, toothy smiles
laden with denial and syrupy,
false dogma.



PSA: Sexual Predators in 12 Step

It's not the rarity or exception they'd like you to believe.


No, that's not quite right...
Cuz they like to travel to Dothan, Alabama in
particular for a college town's high rate of
alcoholic, nubile, vulnerable, fresh meat...
all those confused young men and women
ready to equate being mauled by an authority
figure with acceptance and love.


That's a little more inclusive, but
certainly there's no shortage of
unwilling victims being seduced/
manipulated/used/targeted right
here in Donalsonville, too.  Hmmm...
how to get the message out?

other 12 Step CULTS"

The religious and conformity-based
institution is made up largely of the
worst of the worst; still-compulsive
and lurid members of the self-hating
throngs of denial-based and excuse-
ridden underbelly of the world.

Where better to go--and stay and thrive--
than a place that excuses and covers up
indiscretions, and gives a sense of power
to those most willing to engage in mind
games and dualities?

AA seeks first and foremost to cover
its own ass and continue its illusion of
assistance, even amidst a flurry of
controversy and problems. They are
not concerned about the protection and
welfare of individual members (especially
if being abused by more contributing
long-term members,) but rather are
concerned solely with the reputation and
continuity of the group and organization
as a whole.

I wouldn't send a child or a friend of
mine to these dangerous, clueless bastards.


Just like in the 'real world,' it's the ones
who seem most consumed with appearing
decent and perfect who have the biggest
demons to hide. Don't believe the lie.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Stuck in the Middle With Me

It's been a helluva year.

I've been under-employed and un-employed for most of it,
made a full and final break from all things 12 Step, and
got a true understanding of who's there to support me
in the end.
I have withdrawn from most relationships,
I lost 3 friends and one of my babies to death,
my mother and 3 others
close to her are suffering from dementia, and
I'm penniless.
I'm gaining weight at an astonishing pace,
I have more illnesses that have popped up and the
existing ones were exacerbated, I was
hospitalized for emergency treatment, and I have
been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

But though it all I have become stronger and more

I have grown to know myself and understand the
world better.

I have lessened my demands on what I need
of life, and given myself more respect and love.

And I never once gave in to the temptation to
use drink or other drugs to medicate, for
which I am very happy and proud.

All the hardships and disappointments and betrayals
are just like the pains and ailments and aches;
they are part of the whole experience.
Not a favored part, but a real part.
I choose not to let it color my experience of the whole,
but I also embrace them as a necessary
aspect of the entire being, the entire experience.

I don't think it's about trying to maintain some super-cool,
perfunctory, mega-disciplined, tooth-revealing perma-smile,
holier-than-thou, perfectionist falsehood.
Life just is.

No demons or angels or divine interventions.
It's messy and strange and horrible and fucked up.
There are moments of profound happiness, relief,
maybe even joy, but it isn't the norm. And anyone
who tells you otherwise I think has some serious issues
with reality or truth.

I'm good how I am.
I'm good where I am.
I'm happy as I am.

No longer do I require an external source for my
contentment or validation.

There's no room in me for any one or any
thing that doesn't support and validate me.
I'll take every single consequence that
such a bold action offers.


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Equal Time

One of the biggest falsehoods of AA and other 12 Step groups is
the promotion of inclusion being a given in the groups.

Nawww, baby...let's get real, and address the pink elephant in
the room. No, not the kind we used to see when plastered (as
famously depicted in all those classic old cartoons!) I'm talking
about the hostile environment in 12 Step towards gays and lesbians.

Now, officially, AA states that all are welcome, but of course there
is no unity to AA since each group is run by the whims of whichever
alcoholic liar is most vocal and persuasive, or upon whatever local
trends hold most sway. Since homosexuality is still viewed by most
backwater bergs as an 'issue,' the groups tend to want to view it as
an 'outside issue' (which means it's something that has no place in
their meetings!) further shame and suppression for many who began
drinking in the first place to deal with conflict and shame over their
own sexuality. Brilliant.

Or you could get one of the many self-hating closeted queers in the
program as a sponsor or guide, teaching you to deny self and hide
and deny reality and become more fucked up and split in two.
That's always good for addictive personalities; living a lie. Ignoring
the self. Denial. Cutting off emotion and desire. Yeah, that always
works out swell.

Many who were drinking to avoid dealing with self are now dealing
with their desires (since becoming sober,) and acting on them with
people in the group, all the while not admitting what it means or
wanting to embrace it.

Given that the group is a magnet for the fundamentalist and religious
among us, you can also expect conflict and judgment and hatefulness
(expressed or subverted) as part of their indoctrination. That's what
you're looking for in a support group; admission to their midst on
the basis of covering up who you are. The great unspoken in our
society; if you deny self and pretend, we'll allow you to coexist.

Since every person's take on what you 'need to do' changes based
on whether they're at a meeting with an audience or dealing with
you one-on-one, you'll also get a myriad of schizoid people giving
mixed signals left and right. How someone is supposed to figure out
what they need to do when they're constantly having to question what
others are going to do/say/be next is beyond me.

But there's a high percentage of gays and lesbians in 12 Step,
partly because a higher percentage of the gay populace are addicts
due to the stresses of either living openly or living in the closet and
denying self. (Again; denying self is promoted as a virtue in AA--a
very bad idea for gays and lesbians. ) There are also plenty of people
who are gay and want no one else to know...they want only to fit in
and have a place to belong (yes, ironically enough, at the expense
of their support group knowing their authentic self.)

Quiet Homophobia is inherent in AA. It's the reason so many larger
(progressive) cities have separate gay and lesbian 12 Step groups;
they need a TRUE place where they can speak freely and recover
as whole people. Since 12 Steps are religious, and tend to draw out
'Christians' and zealots, the general air in a 'regular' meeting room is
known to be homophobic. (side note; Nobody wants to be 'tolerated.')

If one cannot be free to explore and discuss all aspects of their
person hood--especially a significant one that is at the core of many
debilitating issues of shame and suppression and sexual identity, and
possibly many years of avoidance drinking/drugging, then the environment
is not conducive to healing. Finding yet another place to have to hide self
is further destructive.

There are a host of people in AA who feel that getting dry is being well.
They are hidden predators who seek to seduce and exploit the burgeoning
sexuality of others in the program, which would be fine if the other side
of it weren't more of the same; lying, hiding, suppression, denial, self-hate
and shame after-the-fact. A whole new compounded element of hurting
self is created by this subculture of sexing ones self well.

More often than not--though apologists and ditto-heads will deny it with
their dying breath--AA and other 12 Steps are nothing more than a meat
market, and like most people trying to pretend to be more than they are,
when the floodgates open, they OPEN! It's a very incestuously creepy
swap-out with all the drama of clubbing, except there's a pretense that
none of it is going on!

My advice to gays and lesbians; accept yourselves, respect yourselves.
Don't settle for less.
And you can definitely do better than a bunch of self-hating, lying,
fraudulent, duplicitous con artists. Can you imagine a worse group of
people to 'help' you come to terms with yourself and your life? Discover
yourself and need no other. It's the best medicine.


Friday, January 6, 2012

A Better Way

So some folks asked me about what the true purpose of the blog
is, noting that I kind of switch around on my focus (according to
them!) As a big fan of clarity, I took that as opportunity to
address the matter!

My purpose for the blog is pretty simple, even if multi-pronged
in its approach. All the motivations are related.

1.) I want to share my experience of maintaining sobriety and
what my experience with life as a sober person is like. Share my
trials, and methods for overcoming issues.

2.) I want to chronicle the specific problems inherent in AA
and my experiences with the cult. This is one part cathartic
release, but even more importantly is the need to warn people
about the dangers of that group. They cause real harm, and
not just in the short term. The truth needs exposing, and the
unscientific and hazardous approach to addiction needs to
be condemned as the fraudulent huckstering that it is.
  Many are afraid to speak up against the monopoly and mystery
of AA and its members; I'm not. I want to warn off anyone
who isn't going there and keep them safe.

3.) As much as there needs to be recovery from alcohol
and drug addiction, there also needs to be recovery from
involvement from the indoctrination and insanity of a 12-Step
program. Lots of misinformation that needs countering, lots of
damage to be undone.

All these things are interconnected and equally important to me.

In this country (America) in particular, there is still sort of a
hands-off mentality in regards to staying quiet about what 'other
people' do in terms of religion and spirituality and other such
secretive, personal practices. But therein lies the dilemma.

AA preaches that it/they are not a religion, while in fact
operating as one. Misdirection # 1. They then want to operate in
obscurity and draw no attention to themselves, yet they have
infiltrated virtually every corner of treatment and court referral
system in the world. This isn't a deserved status symbol of
earned renown. This is an outright obfuscation of the reality
of how little AA works.

Because they say they are well-intentioned and have existed
for so long, people want to give automatic credit to them and
seem to want to look away and allow them dominance over
hurting people with addiction. At the expense of all other
venues (i.e., rational, science-based actual recovery plans,)
AA is promoted and endorsed ad nauseum.

With a less than 5 % 'success rate' going for it.

Can you imagine any other group or organization in the
world having the hubris to say they have The Answer when
their own statistics provide proof of abysmal failure?
They'd be jailed for fraud. But because religion and

'God' talk enter the picture, AA is given a free pass.

Addiction is a horrible and insidious plague throughout
the world, and so is religion. Forcing a fictitious idea
down innocent people's throats in order to spread a
religious agenda is evil. It also is unforgivably cruel
and unprofessional to avoid actually treating suffering
people with addictions.

To spread the lie of helplessness and promote the
falsehood of magical beings that will answer your prayers
is incalculably insane. It takes away personal responsibility
and places emphasis on a new addiction.

So, to recap;
*I CAN DO IT (and so can you!)
*GOD CAN'T DO IT FOR YOU (cuz he's busy not existing)

Don't complicate it; they're all three important, and they
coincide. No reason they can't coexist.

There is such a thing as coincidence, Let your rational mind
burn away all the crazy talk of demons and fates and chosen
people; Just live.