the last several weeks. Lots of blessings, and lots
of burdens, and it's been a lot of up-and-down
as a result. The usual.
This week, health hasn't been great at all, which
weighs on me, and adding to that has been my Mom
going in for heart surgery.
Last night, late, I finally spoke to her and she was
not doing well. For her to say she's unable to talk
because she's not having a good night, that's a big
deal. She puts on a strong front. But she sounded very
weak and pained.....it was a scary night.
I have the date of May 25th looming overhead for
me, too. It was the date of my sobriety until I foolishly
went back out last year, and the celebration for
another in recovery has been announced lately.
I 'should' be a big enough, good enough, strong
enough person that I can just breeze past it and go
to the celebration and wish him well and be humble.
But there is a horrible mix of embarrassment and pain
and memory involved for me. I also know that I will
need to talk that night. I need to have someone in place
to listen.
I have other emotional attachments to the date that
I have not yet mastered. I feel quite a bit of anxiety
regarding the night, and I had considered many
options of what I might do to keep myself occupied
and distracted.
I settled on making myself be around others
so that I could put a positive spin on things.
Celebrate the night in a personal way, and change
the old. I really need to not be alone.
I had a lot of trouble sitting through a meeting last night
but I realized I need to work through that sort of thing.
My disconnectedness, my separateness, my emotional
insecurities....I have to do something to face and tame it.
So I decided to ask if I could hold a special meeting
at our clubhouse on the same night as the big birthday
party, giving a space for me to be safe and a space for
others who might want to attend a discussion group.
I have specifically asked several friends to attend to
support me, and of course it's open to any who need to go.
But already the drama had begun. The questioning as to
why and what and how and the policing of a casual event
that only just crystallized. I really want to say "Either come or
don't come. Problem solved." Why does everything have to
become insanity-based.
All I want is a place to stay sober and sane and connected
for one night. I imagine it will happen exactly like that. I am
trusting that it will. But right now, with everything else on my
mind, the undue drama and conflict are irritating the living
shit out of me.
And that's on me. I have to work on myself and just be
content and whole and not tuned in to what's going on
around me or in others. Let it be. That's really hard for me.
When all this starts I really just want to pick up my marbles
and go home. Just toss it all aside. But that ain't it. I have
something to offer, I have a right to have my needs met too,
and I have to find the delicate balance between being a
doormat and being dominating.
It's hard for me to want to have anything to do with people
at all. 90% of the time I'm content to be by myself to avoid
all the horseshit all together. But I want to be capable and
learn better ways.
Let me be at peace with what others do while not giving
up my ability to prosper. I deserve my own happiness and
well-being. There's more than one way to recover.
