Freedom is A Tonic, Too

Been an interesting time, to say the least.

Lots of aggressive energy and bullshit flying
fast and loose with everyone this last week.

Maybe the Mercury Rising, or the absurd heat,
or the economic crisis looming, or a combo
of all things big and small.

Bottom line...I don't ever know what will pop
up, at any moment. I'm just doing my best to
keep me--and my reactions, my mind, my energy--
in the right space.

I've been pretty successful with finding some
folks to talk with in a variety of different self-help
forums. In regards to addiction, I deal with folks
in Secular Recovery or related forums, or I
go to AA on facebook where it's an international
and diversified crowd, and much easier to get
like-minded or progressive people.

I also am using other areas (as always) such as
health and fitness, gay rights, politics, and so on
to expand all aspects of myself. Diversity and
wholeness are wonderful things.

I did attend an AA meeting a few weeks back,
since it was actually an Al-Anon. Then attended
an Al-Anon proper later. It's nice to socialize,
and I still care about people, but at a formal meeting
with the chanting of the god stuff and the prayer and
the religion...I just can't take it seriously.

(Did NOT pick up my 'chip' while there. Didn't
want to be disingenuous, since I am not counting
days. Also, you know, the whole "I didn't use AA
to do it..by any stretch!" thing. Thought about
mentioning my 6 months, just for inspiration to
anyone who needed it, but it seemed like a worm
can opener, so...)

And it really is just an exercise in tolerance
since there is nothing of use aside from the
potential to meet new people. (Maybe I hear
one thing, out of 59 minutes of blah....and I do
use the time to simply work on accepting
that others think differently and it's okay....
so long as they aren't arrogant enough to
think it's the Exclusive way!)
Some days that's worth it....others it's just
frustrating and loneliness inducing.

But, I know what to do, and I share it with
others wherever we meet, not simply in the
walls of a room.
There's still a lot of pain from what
happened in AA, and it isn't easily brushed
aside. Even going to group in order to be of
support to those who don't 'partake' of the
Message is a daunting task when I feel worse
for going.

Anywho...doing what I can and have to.
Trying not to hurt anyone else, regardless.
Standing up for myself and my needs.
Not counting days; just living well Because.
Focusing less on absolutes and more on Living.

Hope you are doing the same.

Peace.....

Loneliness in 12 Step

Loneliness, even in a crowded room, even in the midst
of a support group like the 12 Steps, is something
that eats away at me. It is a constant battle of mine,
due to geography, ideology, and who knows what
else. How do you handle it when it occurs?
Especially when, if you mention it at group, people
just say useless shit like "If you have Jesus, you're
never alone!"

Here are some things that I, as a writer and obsessive,
have come to figure out for myself. It may illuminate,
or it may further frustrate, or it may simply make you
feel better when you go to bed tonight and think
"Thank not-Christ I'm not as loony as that pop-tart!")

Telling the truth...being genuine....knowing yourself...
is all a very lonely game. It's the nature of the beast.
Society 'works' (even to the degree it does, through
simple self-propulsion) as a result of most people
gladly (or reluctantly) choosing to be sheep. If you
use reason, express independence, etc., not only
do most people not understand it--they are terrified
of it.

In a group like AA-proper (or, to be fair--any group,
by its nature) you are going to face chastisement and
snubs when you alter from the prescribed course in
any fashion or by any degree. Isolation, punishment,
etc are means of making people come around to
acting/thinking the same.

I have also learned not to believe everything I hear
or see. People say they are ecstatic about their
God and what He has done in their life, etc etc....
Have you ever really looked at these people? Truly
watched them, especially when they are not in the
spotlight? I have. And I have talked to them after
meetings, when the Kool-aid wears off,
or on down days, when they admit things.

The God concept is a band-aid, and the band-aid
doesn't always stick. But just like any indoctrination,
religious folks can't admit that there is a crack or a
flaw or a lapse in their 'reasoning/faith' of they will
not only have everything they have spent time and
energy on collapse, they KNOW they will no longer
have the illusion of camaraderie that exists when they
'go along with the pack.'

There is serious pain, loneliness, fear, and doubt in
the hearts of even the most fervent believers. Think
about this; because they have no one in their circle
they can feel safe admitting their 'heresy' to,  how
alone do you think they must feel?

I had a married friend once who confided how
lonely he was. I was sitting there envying him his
beautiful family, his home, the security of this
idealized life; he was feeling like he was missing
out on friendships because he couldn't socialize
due to family obligation. No matter who we
are; the grass is always greener.

And we simply don't know what is going on in
people's heads; this goes back to comparing
other people's outsides to my insides. Simple, simple
statement, and oh-so powerful. That is something
we alcoholics are all guilty of, I think. Comparisons
are odious, and they lead to further isolation.
.
(How's that for a kick in the rubber parts? We
start off in depression and we look at our
illusion/interpretation of reality--which is in fact
other people feeling depressed and lonely too,
but coping in different ways--and what we
think we see makes us more depressed, and
actually can cause us to isolate further, manifesting
the situation we feared most!)

Write about it, talk about it (maybe one-on-one,
consider what others lives are really comprised
of, read from people outside AA...these things
all helped me to realize how universal loneliness
is. The book 'Man Alone' is incredible! (It's still
around) with essays about the nature of man's
isolation
even as he desires social connection, and these
were essays written 5 and 6 decades ago...still
relevant today. But lots of writers--whose job it is
to take the human condition and explore and put it
to page--have deftly articulated this searching that
we all--even practicing Christians--feel and live with.

Don't let the denial and promotion of an ideal
self fool you. Everybody--even in AA meetings--
is trying to keep up with the Joneses. There are
people in that group who look and act miserable,
but every time they open their mouth it's the
Hallelujah Chorus, and I hardly ever hear them
talk of anything REAL or NEW; it's all endless
program-speak and hyperbole. Don't buy it!

That kind of perfection-seeking, both in self
and those around us, is what causes people to end
up with the business end of a gun held to their head.

Okay...ramble done, I think. That's my take on it,
anyway, for good or bad. You're not alone. Don't
let others' in-genuine actions and your own mind
convince you otherwise.

Sometimes people say how wonderful their
lives are so they can convince themselves.
God bless 'em.

Taking a breath

So I've been kind of 'rode hard and put up wet'
the last several weeks. Lots of blessings, and lots
of burdens, and it's been a lot of up-and-down
as a result.  The usual.

This week, health hasn't been great at all, which
weighs on me, and adding to that has been my Mom
going in for heart surgery.

Last night, late, I finally spoke to her and she was
not doing well. For her to say she's unable to talk
because she's not having a good night, that's a big
deal. She puts on a strong front. But she sounded very
weak and pained.....it was a scary night.

I have the date of May 25th looming overhead for
me, too. It was the date of my sobriety until I foolishly
went back out last year, and the celebration for
another in recovery has been announced lately.

I 'should' be a big enough, good enough, strong
enough person that I can just breeze past it and go
to the celebration and wish him well and be humble.
But there is a horrible mix of embarrassment and pain
and memory involved for me. I also know that I will
need to talk that night. I need to have someone in place
to listen.

I have other emotional attachments to the date that
I have not yet mastered. I feel quite a bit of anxiety
regarding the night, and I had considered many
options of what I might do to keep myself occupied
and distracted.

I settled on making myself be around others
so that I could put a positive spin on things.
Celebrate the night in a personal way, and change
the old. I really need to not be alone.

I had a lot of trouble sitting through a meeting last night
but I realized I need to work through that sort of thing.
My disconnectedness, my separateness, my emotional
insecurities....I have to do something to face and tame it.

So I decided to ask if I could hold a special meeting
at our clubhouse on the same night as the big birthday
party, giving a space for me to be safe and a space for
others who might want to attend a discussion group.
I have specifically asked several friends to attend to
support me, and of course it's open to any who need to go.

But already the drama had begun. The questioning as to
why and what and how and the policing of a casual event
that only just crystallized. I really want to say "Either come or
don't come. Problem solved." Why does everything have to
become insanity-based.

All I want is a place to stay sober and sane and connected
for one night. I imagine it will happen exactly like that. I am
trusting that it will. But right now, with everything else on my
mind, the undue drama and conflict are irritating the living
shit out of me.

And that's on me. I have to work on myself and just be
content and whole and not tuned in to what's going on
around me or in others. Let it be. That's really hard for me.

When all this starts I really just want to pick up my marbles
and go home. Just toss it all aside. But that ain't it. I have
something to offer, I have a right to have my needs met too,
and I have to find the delicate balance between being a
doormat and being dominating.

It's hard for me to want to have anything to do with people
at all. 90% of the time I'm content to be by myself to avoid
all the horseshit all together. But I want to be capable and
learn better ways.

Let me be at peace with what others do while not giving
up my ability to prosper. I deserve my own happiness and
well-being. There's more than one way to recover.

What IS a 'Higher Power' anyway?

A Higher Power...what is it anyway?
And why does it have to be referred to as 'god'
when that word has such negative connotations for
so many?
It is not--nor does it HAVE to be --named 'God.'


(In fact, just as a reminder, one need not subscribe
to the 12 Steps in any capacity in order to attend
the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. That pre-
sumptuous, misinformed position is but one of many
bastardizations of the true traditions of the group.)


Interconnectedness of all things in the Universe; people,
plants, the world......being connected and feeling deep within
a sense of that energy.

There is energy in the world, and we are all--I believe--
supposed to be connected to it!

When we are not...through isolation, hate, negativity,
self-abuse, violence, etc...we feel the depth of our despair.

I don't know if alcoholism comes first and then the
frustration....or if we are first frustrated and then turn
to alcohol for 'support' or escape. I think it can be either;
doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.

But I feel that whether we call the Force that is
existing--that we all comprise--by any name, it is the
same concept. Human capability, the Universe, collective
consciousness, god, the Great Spirit, Buddha, God, Shiva,
 intellect, souls, Love...whatever you want to call it, it is
in essence all the same thing. What matters a name?

To assume a place in the world as 'less than' is to
curse one's self. To assume and accept and promote
an outlook of guilt and shame is to further the every
hurts that led most of us to take up drinking in the
first place.

I know of no one who was well-adjusted and decided
to start 'drinking to excess' out of boredom. Every
drunk I have ever known was a deeply conflicted
person with pain they wanted to subside.

How can constant reminders of being a 'failure' and 'not
measuring up' improve that fatalistic self-view if the only
reason we are deemed 'worthwhile' is by an outside
paternalistic force we can't control?

Seems the same as embodying alcohol with the ability
to control us; always an external power running our lives.
No personal responsibility.

A Plea to Active Members of 12 Step groups

Please stop giving out phone numbers and telling people
you are available to them when you don't answer your
phone, return calls, or go through moods where you pick
and choose who you feel like talking to.


Please stop promoting your chosen way of life as the only
way, and trying to convince others that alternate methods
are dangerous or unproductive or delusional.


Please stop telling people to hide and suppress their
sexual orientation in meetings. One's identity is none
of your business, and your discomfort with it has no
place in the rooms (or advice related to the rooms.)


Please stop giving medical advice and psychological
advice, even if you should happen to be a trained
physician or psychologist. You are not equipped to
determine whether or not meds are required for
someone, or what they may legitimately suffer from.


Please don't make grandiose promises or generalized
hyperbolic exaggerations about the merits of the program.
These are in fact the very things that cause people
to become so disillusioned and hurt by the meetings,
the program, and the people.


Please don't 'drop' people when you decide they
aren't going to think like you. A dissident opinion is
still attached to a real and valid human being, even if
you refuse to see it. When you offer the moon--and
all your precious time--to someone when you think
you can sway them, and act as though they have the
plague when you discover otherwise, it hurts.

Review your intentions for what you're doing, please.

Finding a Source of Power

We are all human. We all stumble. Anyone who says or
implies otherwise is proving they don't have all the answers
in their actions! You're going to be just fine, like the rest
of us. It doesn't always have to be 'pretty' to be done right.


As for a higher power; the premise of the AA organization
(which not all of its members cling to) can be GOOD; something
greater than yourself. I will emphasize that this need not be something
'outside' of yourself. The danger is in externalizing the power.


I find a HP in the socializing of the fellowship. I find a HP in working
towards being a more full and developed human being. My HP is
insight and love and compassion. It is whatever it needs to be to give
you strength and hope; and it is not 'devalued' because you may not refer to
it as 'God'. Your HP is also not something you have to discuss with
others in detail. It is not discounted based on others' inability to relate
or comprehend. It only has to work for you.

My Higher Power is self improvement and self-sufficiency, which
I never allowed myself to be. No more excuses. No more blame.
Taking responsibility and seeing my full worth and ability. No
more believing lies of powerlessness and weakness.


For me, I know there are a lot of HPs at work in the world;
The police, the sheriff, the government, the law makers, bosses,
landlords, shop owners; there are always those that have power
over me.

Why can't I extend that comprehension to the positive side of the
continuum and say that there are HPs in the form of friends, lovers,
happy thoughts, gifts, blessings, ideals, and more? Because those
things seem more impermanent than the distressing ones?


What things were happening before the drink? I know I can start by
letting destructive thought-processes in the door, and then start
changing patterns (sleeping, eating, etc.), avoiding sharing what's
going on in my head with another person, and so on. Those slippery
slopes are what lead to a fall.


This whole thing is a journey. The process of traveling--not the
destination--is where the work and the beauty come in. Give
yourself a break, and take care of today. Today is where the power
is; everything else is history or mystery.