A journey to embrace, explore, and honor the Freedom and Power inherent in active recovery.

No more shame...

No more shackles....

No more secrets.

The path--and the Power--are within. Be Free.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

"Here's Your Sign"

There was a tool in Programming who carried a smug condescension
around like it was a bag of gold. He was never at a loss for advice-giving
(requested or otherwise) and really was oblivious to how the rest of the
world lives.

He had this 'thing' he said, incessantly, mantra-like, annoyingly predictable;

"I wish for anyone that they would hit their bottom and be devastated,
like I was, so that they can be made ready to understand what I did and
become teachable to use this Program."

Lot's of problems there, but for starters, this douche was embedded in a
duplicitous existence where his fanatical Jesus-fest ramblings only served
to cover his dual life's continuous wrong-doing. (Not an abnormal event
in 12 Step, where compliance at any cost leads to people feigning trans-
formation for the sake of social acceptance and authoritarian reward.)

But the audacity of wishing for others to have desperation and trouble
is what always absolutely floored me. This doof didn't have any emotional
connection to anyone else's pain and suffering for love or money; he just
wanted to witness what he saw as a prime opportunity to get his hooks in
somebody new (particularly if they were a hot young man.) It was an
offensive and ridiculous statement, and he was clueless as to how bad it
looked for him to be 'wishing' suicidal thoughts, dissolution of marriage,
homelessness, and other tragedies on strangers.

There's also an insidiously smug presumptuousness that, following said
desired tragedies, HIS way would be the way that people chose to go.
Funny how he saw (and continues to see) his choices as the only viable ones.
Ego McEgoish egoically egoes on egoing ego-ego.

There is also the question of how much of a bottom, if any, was
actually ever discovered by Super Freak, since he's known to be a
pathological liar. The chances of his 'jailhouse conversion' story being
truthful in any degree (including the question of incarceration)
are spectacularly low. And, considering that he continues to operate
in such an outlandishly inappropriate fashion shows he still has a
boatload to learn. What bottom was that again? What exactly was

Finally, the fact that his 'recovery' was a sham and a manipulation to
convince others to have something to do with him is not the least of the
infractions. You can promote a falsehood with enough fanaticism to make
the whole world believe and follow you, but if nothing true exists behind it,
it's still a falsehood.

After issuing one of his many dictates for me to "GET THE FUCK OUT
OF AA AND NEVER COME BACK!", the foaming at the mouth Super

Christian added that "AA is all I have to offer." No, my dear friend, you
have Fraudulence, Manipulation, Lies, and Illusion...not to mention Hurt.
Those are your gifts, and if there were truly a God out there, it would strike
you down before you could cause any more harm.

But alas.....

Nonetheless, you have been caught, revealed, and exposed. What others
choose to believe or do with it is up to them. I won't wish them being
vivisected by you as a means to coming to terms with reality. Knowing you
is already hitting a bottom.


Overdue Thanks

So it is with no sense of irony that I set out to
give a proper and public "Thank You" to the
esteemed members of AA and NA (most notably
of the Donalsonville, Georgia area specifically.)

When I entered your rooms, I was still
impishly naive and fence-sitting on the whole
matter of cosmic relevance and destiny and deities...
oh, my! Yes, I was a wishy-washy agnostic from
way back.

And I did as I was told to find that (fictional) bliss
that you showcased and touted. I followed the
route to purported purpose which was, as you
told me repetitively, only available through your

And as I caught you in continuous lie after lie,
and discovered the sham of Programming for
what it is, I also discovered (finally) another
fundamental Truth, although not the one hoped

I am now utterly and unabashedly aware that
there is nothing more to life than that which is
in front of us. The physical plane, the real deal,
the bittersweet rhapsody of painful existence.
Atheism is a blessing of awareness and awakening
to the reality that persists despite dreamy protestations.

There is no God or higher power or 'something
greater than I.' There are no angels. There is no
higher purpose. There are no happy coincidences.
There are no conversions or answered prayers or
blessings or any other fairy tales come to  life.

The mythology of 'God' and 'Jesus' and whatever
other contrivances for avoiding reality and responsibility
are as rich and textured as the best TV show, but
no more accurate or legitimate than, say, The Simpsons
are a real family.

No more pretending.
No more holding my tongue to respect others' fragility.
No more allowing others' delusions to dominate.
No more deferring to others and accepting their fantasy.
No more vagueness or uncertainty.

Thank You, truly, for shedding light on my dilemma,
and erasing all doubt which once held me captive.