Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Not at knowing where mine begin and end, where another's
begin and end, not knowing what an appropriate design
for levels of overlapping is, etc. None of it.
When you don't experience the proper examples, and
your desires are also based on neurosis and dysfunction, how
do you dope out what 'healthy' is, running amok in a world
with other folks devoid of same?
I know I am responsible for self. No matter what.
And others are responsible for themselves, too. Going through\
rough things somewhat alone is a cornerstone of self-discovery
But how do you tell when someone really needs help?
When you should put aside pride and defense and go
the extra mile actively pursuing someone with kindness,
even as they blow you off and put up walls? I know
from personal experience that such machinations are a
tool based of fear; when I actually needed help the most
is when I growled the worst.
But I'm codependent, too, and I worry over making myself
a doormat once more for those who don't value, respect, or
care for me a fraction of what I do them.
And then I think "Well, you don't actually know what's in
anyone's head. Who are you to assume and determine."
And then I wonder if I'm spiritually deficient. Would a
great figure worry over how they were received, or simply
do the Right Thing in all circumstances, and let the chips fall
where they may? "Be thought a fool. Give too much. Love too
greatly. Just do it."
And then I remember that I have a history of being taken
advantage of, and it is possible to give too much of yourself
away. I invoke my inner warrior and say "Every man for
themselves. I have to cover my own ass before I can even
think about doing the same for another. That's not pride, it's
And then my head explodes from all the quick changes and
spinning and personality clashes.
It's a work in progress. I'm trying my best to figure what is best
for me and others...to find healthy balance.
But then I remember the beautiful blessed souls I have known that,
for whatever reasons, found themselves at that fateful point where
they were all alone. That they didn't feel connected enough to press
on, or, more importantly, to reach out for help. To ask for someone
to love them enough before they ended their lives.
I can't help but wonder what I could have done more to let them
know in time that they were loved. What action would have been
enough? What word would have made a difference? Were the clues
there? Was I too selfish or busy to notice?
People have to figure things out for themselves, but how do we know
when it's time to make a nuisance of ourselves, and ignore the signals
we're being sent? How much is my responsibility? How much is theirs?
And in times of war and extreme emotional turmoil, do the normal
rules still apply?