I feel as though I've been running in a blizzard for two days.
I'm beat, nauseous, physically weak, and filled with dread.
I'm exhausted, mentally numb, and achy.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
This physical defeat is a byproduct of all the emotional,
psychological, spiritual changes that have been taking place
over recent weeks. I know this. If I gave in to the old and
just gave up, not striving any longer or pushing myself,
I would probably have that superficial bliss of mindless
ignorance. But I won't.
The drive is in me to not only look past the physical lies of
limits, but to recognize it for what it is--a normal aspect of
tremendous growth and the birth process. As a friend said, I feel
like I'm dying and giving birth at the same time. I am.
But it's only the fear and the differences and the uncertainty that
still exist which cause me to look upon the lagging energy as a
detriment or a deterrent. We never get rid of ego, fear, doubt,
and the likes; we just learn how important it is to keep them in
check. And with time and practice, we get better at turning to
our Spirit and Source instead of old habits.
We learn that we master them; they don't master us.
As a public speaker I heard says; "I have cerebral palsy, but
cerebral palsy does NOT have me."
Today I have doubts. Fears. Pain. Distractions. Desires.
But they do not have me.
Thank you for my sobriety.