A journey to embrace, explore, and honor the Freedom and Power inherent in active recovery.

No more shame...

No more shackles....

No more secrets.

The path--and the Power--are within. Be Free.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Don't Let Them Tell You What You Have

"A weak heart don't mean Shit, Haterz!
Fear, get thee behind me...chicken plucker!"

So, apparently heartbeats are supposed to be a pretty
standard number of beats per minute, or things get
dicey. Not a lot of room for individuality and 'coloring
outside the lines' with the particulars of a beating heart.

I first knew I had heart issues almost 2 years ago now,
but had been unable to find any heart specialists in the
area who would treat me. A trip to the E.R. on Monday
evening solved that prob. I started having a jack-
hammer pounding of my heart (followed by a lack of
beats!) and dizziness and nausea and trouble with
breathing. I did a lot of focused and concentrated
breaths and meditation to keep my alarm from
worsening the sitch, and got myself ready to go
downtown, where I then asked for an ambulance.

It took about 24 hours to get my heart 'shocked'
back into rhythm (as they called it)--getting it
recalibrated to a normal heart rate.

It was a really good feeling to be able to tell people
when they asked that I was not on any drugs or
alcohol (which, by the way, seemed to cause
much doubt, since PCP or cocaine were the # 1
guesses for what could get a rate so elevated, it
seems!) When the nurse reported the next day
that EVERYthing had come back clean, she
seemed more shocked than my poor weak heart!

It felt good to proudly state that I was clean, and
not have to worry or fudge or question. It was a
tremendously pure flush to know that I had not
done anything to cause my difficulty. ('course, that
just means the cause is now not clear cut...
but I digress!)

In the hospital room, I had moments where the
severity of the situation--the scariness of your
own heart and lungs not doing their most basic
functions--was frightening and verged on whelming.
I caught myself, refused to give in to drama or
franticness or speculation. It was happening, it was
reality, there was no point in hand-wringing or
imagination or hyperbole. It was as legit
and as simple as any other thing on the planet.

I dried my own tears, I made my own plans, I
resigned myself to what it was, and I worked on
keeping what emotions and feelings I had clear,
understood, and focused. What I needed was there,
and what was there I didn't need.

I also had some of my faith in humanity restored,
as these strangers treated me like royalty, knowing
up front that I had no insurance nor income. The
staff at Southeast Alabama Medical Center were
phenomenal; much Love, y'all.

In every situation, no matter the obstacle or
the fear, we can find a strength and a calm that
alleviate it. Know yourself, see through to what's
real, and persevere.

Peace, Rob