The Dreaded Weekends

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I still have trouble with weekends. I don't know
precisely what it is, other than perhaps an
additional sense of isolation because 'other
folks' all have plans and i feel excluded. I am
working hard at being comfortable in my own
skin, enjoying my life just as it is, and not
being dependent on others for my security.

I can sit and analyze that weekends are
bad because I don't have a social network
that is continuously busy with parties and
gatherings any longer.

Or maybe it's because I live in an area
where there are Zero events, outings,
opportunities. (And no interest or support
for such things starting.)

Perhaps it's that everything that exists
here is centered around mind-numbing 
evangelical religion and exclusivity and
cliques.

It could be that the weekends were
always a time of dread because it
meant more time with my family;
isolated, abused, fearful.

Nothing's open on the weekend and
therefore my jobless behind has
greater difficulty finding ways to fill
my day; also, no funds to go where
things are happening.

I can find some ways to occupy myself;
there are always things that need doing,
work that needs to be done, time wasters,
distractions, etc. But there are times....

Anyway, Boo-Hoo and woe is me.
Just sitting here thinking about it,
and starting to get a bit of a committee
going, when I suddenly realized; "Hey,
I do have someone I can share this
crap with!" Better out than in!

I am sitting in a home that is paid for
for another month, I have A/C, I have
eaten today, I have animal companions,
I am still self-sufficient, I am not at the
mercy of depression, I am sober, I am
okay. I am not alone if I am comfortable
with my aloneness, and I can choose
to be serene.

I can also choose to have company
any time I want by daring to go
and interact with 'strangers' and give
them the chance to be a part of my
world.



I do not need to follow hollow
rituals that no longer feel good
or affirming
or do as directed. I can stand on my
own and feel better and stronger
because I am being my own person,
following my heart.

Being tolerated is not acceptance.
Duplicity is not an aspect of spirituality.
It is better to be contentedly alone than
misunderstood by many.

Changing my perception and my
perspective takes work sometimes.
By first acknowledging the discontent
and then seeking resolution from
within, I can find my way. simply to please others