The Dreaded Weekends

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I still have trouble with weekends. I don't know
precisely what it is, other than perhaps an
additional sense of isolation because 'other
folks' all have plans and i feel excluded. I am
working hard at being comfortable in my own
skin, enjoying my life just as it is, and not
being dependent on others for my security.

I can sit and analyze that weekends are
bad because I don't have a social network
that is continuously busy with parties and
gatherings any longer.

Or maybe it's because I live in an area
where there are Zero events, outings,
opportunities. (And no interest or support
for such things starting.)

Perhaps it's that everything that exists
here is centered around mind-numbing 
evangelical religion and exclusivity and
cliques.

It could be that the weekends were
always a time of dread because it
meant more time with my family;
isolated, abused, fearful.

Nothing's open on the weekend and
therefore my jobless behind has
greater difficulty finding ways to fill
my day; also, no funds to go where
things are happening.

I can find some ways to occupy myself;
there are always things that need doing,
work that needs to be done, time wasters,
distractions, etc. But there are times....

Anyway, Boo-Hoo and woe is me.
Just sitting here thinking about it,
and starting to get a bit of a committee
going, when I suddenly realized; "Hey,
I do have someone I can share this
crap with!" Better out than in!

I am sitting in a home that is paid for
for another month, I have A/C, I have
eaten today, I have animal companions,
I am still self-sufficient, I am not at the
mercy of depression, I am sober, I am
okay. I am not alone if I am comfortable
with my aloneness, and I can choose
to be serene.

I can also choose to have company
any time I want by daring to go
and interact with 'strangers' and give
them the chance to be a part of my
world.



I do not need to follow hollow
rituals that no longer feel good
or affirming
or do as directed. I can stand on my
own and feel better and stronger
because I am being my own person,
following my heart.

Being tolerated is not acceptance.
Duplicity is not an aspect of spirituality.
It is better to be contentedly alone than
misunderstood by many.

Changing my perception and my
perspective takes work sometimes.
By first acknowledging the discontent
and then seeking resolution from
within, I can find my way. simply to please others

'Everything for a reason'? Really!?!

ahhh..the 'hand of god' debuts....

Someone always brings up how incredible the
'hand of God' is that the same thing on their mind
was the topic (even when it's something as vague
as "trouble listening", which of course can be
generally applied to anything and everything.)

I appreciate that the idea of "No coincidences"
is appealing to people. After sometimes a lifetime
of chaos and indecision, they need some stability.
But this magical thinking that gets applied to
every single instance on the planet being a part
of the predetermined tapestry...it's just too nutty
for me.

Last week someone went on for ten minutes
about how his life going so well was a reflection
of God's pleasure with him (the person) listening
and doing what he was supposed to. I seethed.
How dare he? How dare he proclaim himself
more worthy than another? How dare he piss
on the memory of people who bought into the
lie of God and slaved over 'goodness' only to
never have anything to show for it.

Can you hear the brain cells bursting trying
to make sense of how every sprained toe,
burst blood vessel, public fart, missed bus,
snotty nose, bad meal, murder, rape, car
accident are in truth the divine will of mighty
Jesus? I understand wanting mythology to
save us from the chaos and randomness
and uncertainty, but....c'mon!

Things happen. They just do. Good things,
bad things, in-between things too. So here
we start with the misconception that everything
has purpose, and then go about using our
human minds to connect with what we assume
to be the God-head in order to seek reasoning
behind events we don't understand. Done, of
course, through the moralizing lens of religion;
What happened that you like is a gift from God.
What has happened that you don't like was
punishment from God...and now you must
set about on determining what you did wrong.

And then I remember why I'm there. To focus
on me. To not let things bother me or get me ill.
To allow others their own means--even if I
feel it is wrong--to stay afloat.

I still don't like it, but it came under his share,
so it was after all 'legit.'

(Having the Lord's prayer is still bogus
cuz that's part of the legit meeting and was
blessed by the group conscience deciding on
it, so that deserves my ire!)

Someone read "Acceptance" at the end
of the meeting the other night and I kind
of lost it. Please don't decide for me that
everything's fine! Sometimes it just isn't!
And I can still not drink over it!
Can I get an "Amen!"

But it's my hand --and mind--refusing to
take a drink. In spite of all the false info
AA tried to saddle me with.

Owning my Stuff

Well, I pride myself on being as equally honest with self as I try to be

with the world. So I have to take my lumps and address a few things.

I absolutely believe there are things inherent in AA that are
in need of addressing. That has not changed. But I am more
cognizant of the fact that the vast majority of my animosity with
the program was directed at a single person who had 'hurt' me.

To be fair, I realize that I share most responsibility for that hurt. After all....

* I came in vulnerable and capable of being hurt
* I didn't respond to the warning signs
* I  accepted their opinion (criticisms and condemnations and dismissals)
of me as more valid than my own idea of me

* I did not defend my own boundaries.

* I did not refrain from going back for more after I felt the pain
* I did not confront or stand up to the person as immediately or as directly
as was my responsibility

* I probably am as guilty of the same things I blamed him for (defensiveness,

withholding, etc)

* I placed more demands on another person than they deserved

I do not, however, buy the AA philosophy that we are to shrink from
confrontation or ignore another's part. Yes, mine is the only part that I
have any power over. I still need to process a broken heart, to be angry.
But yes, refusing to allow it again is my full problem. Recognizing that
I may have caused hurt too has taken longer to see.

I have had an immensely painful time overcoming what I saw as betrayal,

and the possibility of opening up to anyone new has been whelming.

The answer is that being hurt is simply a given if you are alive. To
what extent you risk is equal to what extent you can be hurt, but
it is also equal to what extent you might experience the good stuff, too.

Without the possibility of becoming vulnerable to another person--
purely, surely, balls-out vulnerable and real--there is no advancement
of intimacy. We get what we give. So if we hide away and stay safe,

we also miss out on connection.

I think the person that bummed me out so bad thinks I created the
"AA-bashing" blog (as he calls it) as a means of getting back at him. Nothing
could be further from the truth. I so deeply associated his presentation
and his spirituality and his program as the same thing. (To be fair, if you
present yourself to hurting vulnerable people as having The Answer if
only they will listen to you, don't be surprised if they come to you.)
This has been my representation of AA for 2 years. As I failed to trust and
believe in him, much of that naturally spilled over into what he believed in
and promoted. For better or worse.

Yes, I was desperate, despairing, lonely, hurting, vulnerable, and weak.
That's pretty well the general state of folks who do come to the
fellowship. Yes, I am bitter, and yes, I do need to move on.

I wanted something to replace all that had been lost. I thought a friend could
help fill the void. The thing I needed was to turn to self and learn self-reliance.
The thing I needed was to face the pain and learn my lessons, but I instead
sought comfort in promises and affections. Another person can never provide
answers or comfort to us. It isn't their job, it isn't smart to need or want
that deeply.
What is the separation between forgiving, yet being cautious enough
to not get screwed again? How do you find balance in moving on and
being emotionally receptive to the new, and yet not be weak and foolish?

How do we learn to forgive entirely, accepting that others are doing their
best with what they know and are capable of?

How do I learn to trust in life and people and remove my dark thoughts
from sabotaging things or keeping distance?

I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm searching.

I don't want to be guilty of the very things I condemn. Sometimes the
way we see is so deeply altered by the story we think we know, nothing
else is possible. Sometimes we forget that others have defenses, too,
and they're there for a reason. Getting angry over things not being what I
want them to be only furthers hurt-- it doesn't relieve it.

Today, let me work for reconciliation. I don't want a life filled with
conflict and regret. Peace.