I have had soooo much trouble over the 'god
thang' in a tiny backwoods rural Georgia
community! The icy silences...the interruptions...
the condescension......the preaching...the
personal attacks.....the commands to 'Get on
my knees' and pray! (And that's just IN the
AA is supposed to be all-inclusive, and no
one is to be told what to do or how to think
or face criticism in a meeting. But that's the
ideal, and life is far from ideal.
In fact, the traditions themselves leave
opening for contradiction in clarity of
statement as it shifts from the positive ('the
primary purpose is to help another alcoholic'
and 'the only requirement for A.A. member-
ship is a desire to stop drinking') to the more
ego-driven problem areas ('there is but one
ultimate authority-a loving God as He may
express Himself in our group conscience' and
'each group should be autonomous'.) It's not
surprising that those traditions are
It makes it hard; and you do--no matter
how strong your conviction--start to
wonder....am I in the wrong here?
Cuz I'm starting to feel like...how could
so many other people be 'getting it' and I
don't feel a damned thing!
Why can't I drink enough of the Kool-Aid?
of the whole process inherent in AA's
decision process for naming myself an alcoholic!
Here's a newsflash for Bill W's ghost; NOT
all of us were ego-maniacs! Part of my
problem--my biggest problem--was self-loathing
and not thinking I deserved to live! (And guess
where most of that came from? The God-fearing,
God-loving church folks!)
My HP is the power of love and compassion....
life itself....a group of people committed to a
higher ideal.....AA itself (even when inappropriately
run. Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day!)
Spirituality to me does not have to be ruined
because sanctimonious Christians have
claimed it. Spirituality is simply enhancement...
connection....getting outside--or deeper into--self.
Whatever form that takes.
Yoga is spiritual.
Volunteering is spiritual.
Love-making is spiritual.
Higher attainment can take many forms.
I struggled with the shame and judgment