Starting Point

One of my favorite songs goes "Let's start at the very
beginning...a very good place to start!"

For me, finding the secret to controlling my desire to
self-medicate came from addressing an innate dislike
for myself; No one ever taught me how to love myself.

As a child, I learned to distrust my own emotions,
feel shame, keep quiet, stifle creativity, be ashamed
of desire, fear people, and hate every unique part
of me. Those old thoughts became so ingrained, I
never knew how much of my misery I carried around
with me out of habit.

You would think that loving self, like survival skills, would 
be fundamentally inscribed in our DNA, but aversion to
hunger and cold have nothing to do with a healthy, genuine
love for self. Look at how many 'successful' people are
obviously missing any real esteem.

So, I like to suggest that looking at what is 'okay' about
ourselves is a great starting point for finding a reason
to go on, a reason to care, a reason to take good care of
self, and so on.

For many of us, really looking at self and liking what we
see is something we have avoided for a very long time.
It is something that scares us senseless.

Developing a positive outlook on self, a forgiveness
for past mistakes, releasing anger about abuse and
harms we have endured...these are all healthy habits
that can--in time--help us to change how we look
at us and life itself. As another fave song says; "Change
the voices in your head, make them like you instead."

This is one of those slow, difficult processes, but it is
worth the effort and pain. Those old negative tapes
are playing, whether we acknowledge them or not.
The sooner we deal with it, the easier everything else
falls into place.

If I don't love myself, through and through, how
can I know what I have to offer? If my sense of
self is made stable by another or several others,
how can I cope on my own?

Truth, Opinion, Fact, or Notion?

I would think if anyone lives long enough they would discover
that the world is filled with contradictory elements. There is
little, if anything, that is absolute or consistent.

Even with spiritual circles, the difference between one
philosophy and the next could be night and day.

I see a pattern in this country that is reflected in Recovery
circles; absolutism. The need for there to be one, true,
conclusive, unavoidable Truth that dominates.

I see that the more we discover, the more there is to discover.

I see that there are many forms of the truth, and it's possible
for them all to work and all to coincide. If only people would
let them.

I see that there are many ways to reach one's own path.
And of course how could paths be alike when journies and
destinations are do divergent?

I see that the more we seek consistency and alikeness,
the more we seem to miss the flavor of what makes it all
worthwhile.

But I am content to know these 'truths' as I see them.
I don't need anyone else to subscribe to them.

I don't require acceptance or tolerance, but it would
be nice to find a place where there is not constant
jockeying for debate, conflict, domination.

In truth, it probably won't be found while topside.

Let the search continue, nonetheless.

I will help anyone, anywhere...regardless of what their
belief system is. Just seems right.

Freedom is A Tonic, Too

Been an interesting time, to say the least.

Lots of aggressive energy and bullshit flying
fast and loose with everyone this last week.

Maybe the Mercury Rising, or the absurd heat,
or the economic crisis looming, or a combo
of all things big and small.

Bottom line...I don't ever know what will pop
up, at any moment. I'm just doing my best to
keep me--and my reactions, my mind, my energy--
in the right space.

I've been pretty successful with finding some
folks to talk with in a variety of different self-help
forums. In regards to addiction, I deal with folks
in Secular Recovery or related forums, or I
go to AA on facebook where it's an international
and diversified crowd, and much easier to get
like-minded or progressive people.

I also am using other areas (as always) such as
health and fitness, gay rights, politics, and so on
to expand all aspects of myself. Diversity and
wholeness are wonderful things.

I did attend an AA meeting a few weeks back,
since it was actually an Al-Anon. Then attended
an Al-Anon proper later. It's nice to socialize,
and I still care about people, but at a formal meeting
with the chanting of the god stuff and the prayer and
the religion...I just can't take it seriously.

(Did NOT pick up my 'chip' while there. Didn't
want to be disingenuous, since I am not counting
days. Also, you know, the whole "I didn't use AA
to do it..by any stretch!" thing. Thought about
mentioning my 6 months, just for inspiration to
anyone who needed it, but it seemed like a worm
can opener, so...)

And it really is just an exercise in tolerance
since there is nothing of use aside from the
potential to meet new people. (Maybe I hear
one thing, out of 59 minutes of blah....and I do
use the time to simply work on accepting
that others think differently and it's okay....
so long as they aren't arrogant enough to
think it's the Exclusive way!)
Some days that's worth it....others it's just
frustrating and loneliness inducing.

But, I know what to do, and I share it with
others wherever we meet, not simply in the
walls of a room.
There's still a lot of pain from what
happened in AA, and it isn't easily brushed
aside. Even going to group in order to be of
support to those who don't 'partake' of the
Message is a daunting task when I feel worse
for going.

Anywho...doing what I can and have to.
Trying not to hurt anyone else, regardless.
Standing up for myself and my needs.
Not counting days; just living well Because.
Focusing less on absolutes and more on Living.

Hope you are doing the same.

Peace.....

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

Such a shame to see her lost. Her pain and self-destruction
were so public, but I guess no one got through to her.
Or maybe no one tried.

So many artists take the 'underground' life of
drinking and drugs and misery as an 'unavoidable'
component of living a soulful life of being in touch
with feelings and pain.
I wish it were otherwise.

Thanks for the beautiful music, Amy. For
sharing so personally all your pain and experience.

I hope you have found peace.

**************************************

Commonalities

The theme of the last few weeks for me has seemed to
be that even under the pretense of vast differences, it's
the commonalities that really shine.

Your armor may differ from my armor.

My issues may manifest in a different
way from your issues.

My fears may show in different ways from yours.

All of the specifics and particulars may indeed appear
quite divergent. But behind that distraction is the real
deal; shattered, struggling, hurting, imperfect people
trying their best to figure out what the hell to do next.

Who cares what answer another comes to if it works
for them? Why on earth would we all come to the same
conclusion? And if something works for me but isn't
understood or valued by another, who cares?

As always, it's easy to find compassion for ourselves,
even as we comprehend the utter trainwreck we are. We
are nonetheless familiar with our own junk.

But other people, with their eccentricities, refusal to listen
to our 'brilliance,' and their real-world rough edges...
well, respect gets lost in the mix somehow.

Instead of looking for understanding regarding intricacies
of each person...instead of taking things apart and seeking
an Answer or Explanation.....at the end of the day I just
have to be kind. Be compassionate. Be understanding.
Whether the same is returned to me or not.

It seems simplicity itself. But in the face of stridency,
disagreement, insults, the unfamiliar, and stress, well...
I can tend to take anything as an attack. But thinking it
doesn't make it so.

Today I want to remember the common theme of
struggle and pain, and not be distracted by the
illusory importance of difference.

Another thought I once heard that resonated greatly;
"Those who seem the least 'deserving' of kindness
and compassion are those who need it the most."
I've been that person. Why can't I remember that
look? Why can't I hold fast to looking past the gruff
exterior to do what's needed?

************************************

Acts of Kindness

July 21

Acts of Kindness

Small acts of kindness allow me to touch souls with another person - to reach out over the great divide and brush for a moment the hand and heart of another. An act of kindness is never wasted. It benefits the giver as much or more than the receiver. Anyone who gives with the heart strengthens that muscle within themselves; it is the aerobic training of the spirit. I will not expect soul to just enter my life by chance. I will prepare myself, clean the vehicle that is me, resolve conflicts that tie my mind up and drain my energy. When I am less self-centered, I am able to take the person-hood of another into consideration.

I enjoy being kind for kindness' sake.

And this more human love (which will consummate itself infinitely, thoughtfully and gently, and well and clearly in binding and loosing) will be something like that which we are preparing with struggle and toil, the love which consists in the mutual guarding, bordering and saluting of two solitudes.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

**************************************************
from the Daily Reflection from the In The Rooms website

Unshackled

I have been trying a bit of a new tactic this last week or so,
involving sort of a 'fast-food' meditation and focus technique.
I reduce everything to brass tax, most urgent need, and just
do what I can moving forward...while remaining conscious
of the need for flexibility and flow.

As a result, the inordinate details that normally flood my
OCD brain are less evident (and I dismiss them adamantly
when they assert themselves) and I have been less stressed.

Less stressed, even as the reality of illness, pain,
joblessness, imminent homelessness, uncertainty,
poverty, being a small cog (circumstantially,) and
deteriorating world conditions loom large. I am
focused on being at peace, not letting the specifics
bog me down.

I am learning emotional detachment from the negative,
and that it has a place in things. Without becoming
numb or isolating. That's crucial for me.

No. Big. Deals.

And I have continued to do what I can and take steps
to take care of business. Encouraging myself, being my own
best friend, no longer expecting things of other people,
realizing my strength in the midst of any situation...these
have all given me a better sense of accomplishment
at the end of the day. I am more realistic about my needs,
wants, and goals.

As I worry less about meeting expectations (either mine
or others,) I am finding more freedom to get through the
day, and, (perhaps not surprisingly) a greater peace.
I end up getting done what needs to get done.

I am powerful. But I don't need to be caught up in hardly
any of what I worry about. I relinquish the world's shame
and demands of me. I will attend to my own needs this day.
I will do what I can for another. That is a powerful thing.

And the more I focus on doing for myself, the less I
ever even consider the possibility of drink or drug. My
mind is filled with other cares, my body knows what is
good for it, my spirit wants strength and freedom.