The Challenge

(Well, one of them, anyway!)

One of the chief challenges I have found in becoming a
stronger person has to do with finding a proper balance
between a 'need' for other people and a need to be true
to self.

It's a daunting proposition to go up against the world, to
follow your own path when it so frequently places you on
the outskirts of the norm.

People tend to like what's secure, familiar, reassuringly 'same.'
Anything or anyone that goes outside those lines is cause
for discomfort, and therefore promptly avoided. Or attacked.

So the decision becomes choosing between self and others.

Well, certainly we can't sustain ourselves by looking out
for others, so basic survival tells us we have to look out for
self.

And yet, unless independently wealthy, the chance of being
able to truly live a separate life is rare.

So there has to be a compromise of sorts struck. Putting up
with others, overlooking nonsense, exchanging pleasantries,
all of the duplicity that comes from modern life is necessary to
some small degree, no matter how independently we live.

Even as I detach from the demands and wishes of all others
as regards my overall life (thoughts, actions, feelings,) I still have
to accommodate the outside world in reference to neighbors, law
enforcement, and other key areas.

There isn't much of an in-between when it comes to the social
world of choosing to live for others or self. Friends, family,
coworkers, lovers will all place demands and manipulate you
to further their own needs rather than support yours. Coming to
terms with that and desensitizing one's self is an ongoing process.

Aloneness is a reality of this planet.

But how much people are able to embrace that reality is up to
conditioning and stamina. Many may need the illusions of
social supports; putting up with family they can't stand rather
than being alone, enduring abusiveness rather than doing without
so-called friends, suppressing self to accommodate a smothering
spouse....we all make deadly decisions for our well being every
day.

It all comes down to trying to find that balance....and determining
what we are willing to tolerate.

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Starting Point

One of my favorite songs goes "Let's start at the very
beginning...a very good place to start!"

For me, finding the secret to controlling my desire to
self-medicate came from addressing an innate dislike
for myself; No one ever taught me how to love myself.

As a child, I learned to distrust my own emotions,
feel shame, keep quiet, stifle creativity, be ashamed
of desire, fear people, and hate every unique part
of me. Those old thoughts became so ingrained, I
never knew how much of my misery I carried around
with me out of habit.

You would think that loving self, like survival skills, would 
be fundamentally inscribed in our DNA, but aversion to
hunger and cold have nothing to do with a healthy, genuine
love for self. Look at how many 'successful' people are
obviously missing any real esteem.

So, I like to suggest that looking at what is 'okay' about
ourselves is a great starting point for finding a reason
to go on, a reason to care, a reason to take good care of
self, and so on.

For many of us, really looking at self and liking what we
see is something we have avoided for a very long time.
It is something that scares us senseless.

Developing a positive outlook on self, a forgiveness
for past mistakes, releasing anger about abuse and
harms we have endured...these are all healthy habits
that can--in time--help us to change how we look
at us and life itself. As another fave song says; "Change
the voices in your head, make them like you instead."

This is one of those slow, difficult processes, but it is
worth the effort and pain. Those old negative tapes
are playing, whether we acknowledge them or not.
The sooner we deal with it, the easier everything else
falls into place.

If I don't love myself, through and through, how
can I know what I have to offer? If my sense of
self is made stable by another or several others,
how can I cope on my own?