Creating Our Niche

"You are getting weaker...so weak....and need a special friend..."

In all humans, there is a need to belong, a

need to be deemed worthwhile, a need to

be acknowledged , and a need to be needed.

Like most things, though, addictive personality

folks like myself have an increased sense of all

those desires.

It's part of the deep, dark, incessant desire of

an addict..to be Needed.

There is a sense of that emptiness in us that

cannot be filled unless we are enmeshed with

another person, a project, an all-consuming job,

a deeply-held belief system.

We need validation and acceptance more than most.

(And for some of us, learning that it can only

come from within takes a lifetime!)

But in order to be needed, neediness must first

exist in others. It must be found, isolated, enhanced,

cultivated, ensured, or manufactured, if need be.

(If you haven't learned to be complete,

 devoid of artificial means.)

If we don't maintain healthy connection to our own

value through self-validation or involvement in a variety

of community or world interests, we can become

obsessive or even fanatical about connection to some

specific thing or person.

Dependent on them, or it, for our sustenance, even

as we deny such a reality. Just like when the drugs

and alcohol had their hold.

People who would create a seeming 'need' for their

services in the minds of the very people they're

purportedly 'helping,' are only catering to their own needs.

The image maintained may be one of helpful compassion

and charity, but they're massaging their own egos and deep-

seated fears and disconnectedness by building themselves

up as a messenger or benefactor of the highest order.

If someone makes a living out of painting themselves as

a generous, well-meaning soul merely visiting sympathies

and salvation on weary world-travelers, be afraid.

And then recognize that you can save your own liberated self.

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Consistency & Double Standards

People in A.A. and Al-Anon in particular like to
point to a theory prescribed in the Big Book as
'other people's opinions being none of their business.'
In other words; Mind Your Own Business.

(A little contradictory, given that the whole purpose
of the organization has become to insert themselves
wholly into other people's business. But, seeing as how
the Big Book never advocated or even mentioned
having sponsors, no actual conflict there.)

Nonetheless, this ideal of 'not interfering' is used to
overlook (and be complicit about) abuses that occur
within the program. In fact, abuses that are promoted by
the very structure and dynamic of such a program.

Members can see evil being done by a predator and
simply cover their eyes, ears, and mouth. Look the
other way and avoid responsibility because the Doctrine
of Bill Wilson told them to.

Done. Justified. Verily, as if the Lord Hizzonor himself
had decreed it.

So predators get a free pass and victims get no help.

So I got to thinking how that "M.M.O.B." standard
would play for these folks in the real world, all things being
equal. (And, 12 Step definitely being detached from the
real world.)

If they hear someone in an alley being raped, they will
mind their business and not call for help or intervene?

If their neighbors house catches fire, will they just turn
over and go back to sleep?

See a store being robbed while they're driving and just
ignore it and turn up the radio?

Or is this just more ill-conceived self-deceiving contradictory
craziness from the minds of dry drunks, designed to further
falsely promote the sense of righteousness and infallibility of
the vaunted Program? To ensure that the predators who run
the joint continue to get away with every dark deed, and play
off the silence as 'spirituality?'

As if.

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Time After Time

One of the main components of addiction is relapse.
Everyone from counselors to doctors to clinic heads
will tell you it is the mere reality; it is a normal part
of the whole.

Relapse doesn't necessitate failure in the long term,
but on the shaky road to becoming better, one can
make several backwards movements.

(In the time between August of 2010 until my new
sobriety date of January 20th, 2011, I tried and caved
in my efforts to regain sobriety on multiple occasions.
Simply put, I didn't give up on myself simply because
I didn't adhere to the standards I had set. I just started
over.)

(Prior to having relapsed that time, I had had over ten-
and-a-half years of sobriety which I departed from
in 2007. It wasn't wasted time; either sober or lapsed.
Just like hardships in life, we gain something from all.)



on black-and-white 'success' and consistent, total
abstinence, the weight to perform and maintain what
others (seem to be/ purportedly) are doing is an extra
burden. A sense of failure can fearfully threaten the
connection we feel to the group.

The eyes tend to be so much 'on the prize,' with
rewards given for abstinence-- not efforts or growth
free from that lofty goal--that the idea of sobriety
becomes very cut-and-dried, when it, like life, is
anything but.

(Side note for the Haterz; I haven't relapsed, and would
have no trouble mentioning it if I had. I am addressing this
because I know how intimidating the idea of 'keeping
track' or 'starting over' can be when there is such demand
for 'complete' * abstinence and longevity in program.)

There needs to be much more flexibility and compassion.
When people do fall off the wagon or have a set-back,
there's such a condescending loss of faith and interest that
so obviously falls over members of support groups. (Of course,
the prevailing sentiment that "If you really work the program,
you can do it with ease," "You only fail if you don't want it bad
enough," and of course "If you leave AA/NA you will relapse
and you won't make it back" are in the back of everyone's
mind after having heard those ridiculous lies repeatedly.

Viewing--and promoting-- relapse as some monstrous, evil,
dreaded, unforgivable thing that looms over head actually
gives it more power psychologically than it deserves. Self-
fulfilling prophecy even. After all, if an organization based on
defeating something no longer has something to defeat, it
becomes extinct. Providing a Bogeyman provides rationale
for one's own existence.

It's not always forward motion; we dance to and fro and back
again. There's a flow and balance in all things. Cutting ourself a
break and remaining dedicated to our goals without harsh
expectations is a healthier take.

Sobriety is a lifestyle, but it is a part of a whole; there is
room in the process for relapse and lessons. It's not the Falling;
it's the not getting back up. Be kind to yourself.

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* (Everyone certainly has their own perspective on this,
with other members of 12 Step deciding for people what their
'commitment' or 'seriousness level' is based on what their own
personal beliefs are. Deciding for others that no chemicals
extends to psychiatric meds, pain meds, and so forth.) Find
your own compass in these matters too.
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Tough Enough

"Thank you, sir...may I have another?"
(I don't think so!)

There seem to be tacitly regarded rules for living.
Rules such as;
"What you are born as is what you must remain,"
and...
"Only certain folks are allowed to be tough."
In other words; mind your place!

But no one said you have to believe, or follow,
conventional wisdom. Just because someone tells
you something doesn't mean it's true, nor good for you.In the process of toughening up and developing a
more killer instinct so as to survive this world, I
see all the time the dismay and upset in people who
say "I remember the old Robert! What happened?"

Well, life happened, bitches...and when you get backed
into a corner, you have three choices;
1. Submit
2. Be killed
3 Fight Back


But when you  do fight back, that means competition and
status changes. It means upsetting the apple cart. It means
other people think their concept of you should override your
reality. As if you owe them something.


"But, but...you have to be sweet and innocent and naive!
That's how I remember you. That's how I need you to be
for my comfort and safety!"


"How can I continue to victimize you and shit all over you
when you refuse to be passive and demure and kindly!?!
You're really upsetting my plans."

Well, here's some advice for all the haterz;
"Toughen up."

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Primary Purpose

Blaming people with addiction

for not subscribing to a delusional

wish-fest of duplicitous ranting

and self-aggrandizing superiority...

is like pissing on someone

and then blaming them for

dehydrating you.

But thanks for playing

the God-complex game!

***

Claiming 'Salvation' Doesn't Heal Wounds

I do feel badly for those people who are hurting--
so extremely needy and scared and pressured that
they attempt to cover their vulnerability with a flourish
of extremism and stridency.


But understanding nor sympathy do not--and should not--
extend themselves to excusing and rationalizing the abusive
behaviors employed by those who are in denial of self.

These folks are train wrecks looking for a place to happen, and
they seek to bring other people along for the ride. Self-destructive
behavior does not just affect self. And being dry does not eliminate
drunkard psychosis.


In the quest to deny self, cover up with lies, and promote tonics
and wishful thinking, the blind fanatics of A.A. and other 12 Step
programs not only prolong their own pain and misery (under a
pretense of being free from the normal human elements and afflictions,)
they seek to confuse and distract others with unhealthy false coping
mechanisms so they don't have to journey alone.

Compassion for these troubled, wayward, stifled souls exists,
but commitment to the greater number prevails. Once someone is
lost in a maze of duplicitous living--lying even to themselves in
interior monologues--I don't have an answer for what might be
able to reach them and convince them of their toxic distortions.

I don't know what might set them free, if anything. Especially if
they remain entombed and entwined in an isolated world of 'like'
others constantly reenforcing their indoctrination....and requiring
their adherence.


It's been my experience that no reasoning or pleading or
exposure to logic can sway people once they have committed to
and cemented themselves upon that course of adamant self-
righteousness and absolutism.


Sad, but we all make our own beds.

I have to be concerned with the greater good. I have to try and help
the people most interested in being honest and well. Exposing  truth
and uncovering fraud so that, hopefully, many will be spared the snares
and hurts always associated with dealing with people who are purveyors
of false goods.

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AA Secrets #1