Don't Let Them Tell You What You Have

"A weak heart don't mean Shit, Haterz!
Fear, get thee behind me...chicken plucker!"

So, apparently heartbeats are supposed to be a pretty
standard number of beats per minute, or things get
dicey. Not a lot of room for individuality and 'coloring
outside the lines' with the particulars of a beating heart.

I first knew I had heart issues almost 2 years ago now,
but had been unable to find any heart specialists in the
area who would treat me. A trip to the E.R. on Monday
evening solved that prob. I started having a jack-
hammer pounding of my heart (followed by a lack of
beats!) and dizziness and nausea and trouble with
breathing. I did a lot of focused and concentrated
breaths and meditation to keep my alarm from
worsening the sitch, and got myself ready to go
downtown, where I then asked for an ambulance.

It took about 24 hours to get my heart 'shocked'
back into rhythm (as they called it)--getting it
recalibrated to a normal heart rate.

It was a really good feeling to be able to tell people
when they asked that I was not on any drugs or
alcohol (which, by the way, seemed to cause
much doubt, since PCP or cocaine were the # 1
guesses for what could get a rate so elevated, it
seems!) When the nurse reported the next day
that EVERYthing had come back clean, she
seemed more shocked than my poor weak heart!

It felt good to proudly state that I was clean, and
not have to worry or fudge or question. It was a
tremendously pure flush to know that I had not
done anything to cause my difficulty. ('course, that
just means the cause is now not clear cut...
but I digress!)

In the hospital room, I had moments where the
severity of the situation--the scariness of your
own heart and lungs not doing their most basic
functions--was frightening and verged on whelming.
I caught myself, refused to give in to drama or
franticness or speculation. It was happening, it was
reality, there was no point in hand-wringing or
imagination or hyperbole. It was as legit
and as simple as any other thing on the planet.

I dried my own tears, I made my own plans, I
resigned myself to what it was, and I worked on
keeping what emotions and feelings I had clear,
understood, and focused. What I needed was there,
and what was there I didn't need.

I also had some of my faith in humanity restored,
as these strangers treated me like royalty, knowing
up front that I had no insurance nor income. The
staff at Southeast Alabama Medical Center were
phenomenal; much Love, y'all.

In every situation, no matter the obstacle or
the fear, we can find a strength and a calm that
alleviate it. Know yourself, see through to what's
real, and persevere.

Peace, Rob

*********************************************

At Peace With Alone

In the vastness of this Universe,
from cradle's empty security to

deathbed's icy grip,

we are all of us alone.

Inextricably, undeniably,

irrefutably alone.

There is but one thing,

one energy,

one person

in all the expanse of life

upon which we can rely;

Self.

To distract one's self with

temporary forays or beautiful illusions

is to lie to your best friend.

To imagine that anyone will do for you,

or support your vision,

or reach out to your pain,

is to commit to fantasy

rather than reality.

We are complete unto self.

Our aloneness is a gift.

We can revel in all we have to offer

and all we have to accomplish

and all we have to experience;

no assistance, no permission,

no acceptance, no tolerance

is required.

If you aren't strong, don't worry.

None of us are born that way.

This world indoctrinates and

beats us into submission

from the moment we sprang forth.

Strength is in us,

but it must be cultivated,

discovered, excavated.

You better see fit to find that strength

sooner rather than later.

Depending on a faulty outside source

(which is about the best thing you can say

regarding fallible, weak, deceptive,

wishy-washy humans)

is a set-up for failure.

Cut to the chase;

depend entirely upon self.

You'll never have to worry,

regret, second-guess, or be

blind-sided by where your faith

has been placed.

There's only one True Friend

that stands by you to the end;

look in the mirror,

dig inside,

and discover them today.

************

Not All Habits Are Great

I've started to pick up more on the patterns in life,

the similarities and synchronicities of pattern that

occur, despite the aesthetic 'differences.'

If you live long enough, experience enough,

read enough, hear enough, or pay attention to

what's shaking, sometimes you pick up a thing or two.

Group dynamics are a bitch. Especially as relates

to anyone who doesn't 'fit in' or make the decision

to jump on board with what everyone else is pushing.

Doesn't matter if the emperor has no clothes;

if the majority says he does, then you either fall in line

or face their wrath for being an independent.

It's the way of the world. Togetherness and

connection to people is a great concept, were it

based on inclusion and acceptance. But that ain't it.

This is a whole other ball game.

Whoever is dominant or majority starts to get

a wide head from being unchallenged and from continuous

adoration of like-minded (or pretense of like-minded)

followers/peeps/co-conspirators/etc.

From this haughty position, even a

previously positive or well-intentioned message or

premise takes on a devilish air as it's tainted and

malformed.

Instead of being the recipients of good measure

or charity, these stalwarts establish themselves

as the esteemed ambassadors-- determining

and designating who among the unwashed masses

will be privy to their divine allowances.

You see it in all manner of authoritative

structure; families, churches, businesses...

cliques of more wealthy or more popular folks...

particular races, particular names, particular pedigrees....

anything can be used as a basis for discrimination.

It's not personal; it's just the way of the world.

But predominance and prolonged status does

not a good habit make.

Sometimes a 'cigar' really is a big stiff one being

forced on you, all Freud-y Krueger like... and it's a

nightmare

you must wake up from.

*********************

Beware Magic Beans

Beware any Promise of an 'Ultimate Truth.'

Or 'The' Answer.

If folks claim they have these and you must do

what they say in order to experience their greatness....

if these folks condemn you for being Lost

without their same sacred 'Insights'....

you might wanna run like Hell!

These folks have replaced one addictive and

compulsive disorder with another.

Spirituality is not paint-by-numbers,

and it can't be burrowed into someone's brain

by rote or influence.

It also, incidentally, is not requisite

to being recovered from active addiction.

Recovery and sobriety isn't reserved

for one group of ideals.

Healing isn't exclusive to one path.

The rigid notion that only one's own directive is

effective and acceptable is not only juvenile

and erroneous, it's dangerous.

It's a facet of addictive and compulsive sickness,

not Recovery.

And having one way of treating people who agree

with our methods, and a different way

of treating those who don't is,

at best, troublesome.

Little hypocritical, too.

So just remember to beware the stories of

magic beans.... avoid used car salesmen, snake oil

salesmen, and people who claim they have the answers for you.

That which seems too good to be true generally is.

And smiling faces only cover lies for a time.

****************

'Kissy Poo' Time is Over

You can't be sedate, passive, and doe-eyed.

You have to jump in the Game,

cuz it'll for damned sure jump all over you.

Stand up,

stand tall,

speak up with a loud voice.

Walk on, even if fear slams against you.

Steady yourself; you can rely on no other support.

Create your own fight.

It's not inborn; you manufacture it

every day

with choices and courage and confidence.

Be your own light.

Embody the best traits of your heroes

rather than waiting for one to descend

or admiring them from afar.

This life is a fight.

Face it.

It is in you.

***************************

The Real Deal

Been a rough, rough couple of weeks;
lots of pressure from various points,
building to a point of....well, that's the
$64,000.00 question.

What comes next?

I'm at a frustration point where the
shit is hitting the fan. The point where
all the work and efforts seem to mean
nothing, and fate or reality (or whatever
you want to call Raw Life) are buffeting
me at every turn.

I would like to run away.
I would like to take a drink (for the first
  time in a long time.)
I would like an easy out.
I would like to do whatever it takes to stop
   feeling all this pain, angst, and confusion.

But I know that none of that will change
anything for the better. And so I stand firm.

None of those self-destructive courses of action
will do anything beneficial for me in the least.

This is the part of the story where I have to
pull up my boot straps and get loaded for bear,
because being conscious and ready and 'Doing
What I Can' are the only tools I have.

Like all of us, I have my test of fire to endure.

It's frightening, it's hard, it's confusing, but no
fantasies or false promises will alter that in any
way. It's just the way of the world, and there
are some times that are darker than others.

I wish there were someone listening to prayer.
I wish being good brought good back on you.
I wish things were clear and easy and discernible.
I wish people were reliable and true.
I wish distractions equalled solutions and peace.

But I am no longer a child, and such wishful
thinking is counter-productive and disabling.
We sink or swim on our own, and by our own
power. We either figure it out or suffer the
consequences for not knowing.

I know I'll be fine, despite not knowing
where the journey is heading. But seeing
things as they really are and trudging through
the raw emotions is tough.

That's not regret...it's not refusal...it's not
worry. Just an acknowledgement that I'm
feeling the fear, and moving on anyway.

I choose not to go backwards, and I know
that I am capable of doing whatever I need to.

I am strong enough to endure whatever
comes my way.

I never knew that before.

**************************************

Sharing Our True Selves

There's life inside, waiting to be set free....

Our happiness is proportionate to how true
we are, how genuine in expressing our selves.

If we have courage in looking, in seeing, in
expressing, we will find answers.

Life will start to happen in ways simple and
amazing.

It doesn't have to be intricately dissected
and put in a box or labeled. It can just be
lived, wide open, by the seat of your pants.

"Courage is not the absence of fear.
It is acting in spite of it." - Mark Twain


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