The Real Deal

Been a rough, rough couple of weeks;
lots of pressure from various points,
building to a point of....well, that's the
$64,000.00 question.

What comes next?

I'm at a frustration point where the
shit is hitting the fan. The point where
all the work and efforts seem to mean
nothing, and fate or reality (or whatever
you want to call Raw Life) are buffeting
me at every turn.

I would like to run away.
I would like to take a drink (for the first
  time in a long time.)
I would like an easy out.
I would like to do whatever it takes to stop
   feeling all this pain, angst, and confusion.

But I know that none of that will change
anything for the better. And so I stand firm.

None of those self-destructive courses of action
will do anything beneficial for me in the least.

This is the part of the story where I have to
pull up my boot straps and get loaded for bear,
because being conscious and ready and 'Doing
What I Can' are the only tools I have.

Like all of us, I have my test of fire to endure.

It's frightening, it's hard, it's confusing, but no
fantasies or false promises will alter that in any
way. It's just the way of the world, and there
are some times that are darker than others.

I wish there were someone listening to prayer.
I wish being good brought good back on you.
I wish things were clear and easy and discernible.
I wish people were reliable and true.
I wish distractions equalled solutions and peace.

But I am no longer a child, and such wishful
thinking is counter-productive and disabling.
We sink or swim on our own, and by our own
power. We either figure it out or suffer the
consequences for not knowing.

I know I'll be fine, despite not knowing
where the journey is heading. But seeing
things as they really are and trudging through
the raw emotions is tough.

That's not regret...it's not refusal...it's not
worry. Just an acknowledgement that I'm
feeling the fear, and moving on anyway.

I choose not to go backwards, and I know
that I am capable of doing whatever I need to.

I am strong enough to endure whatever
comes my way.

I never knew that before.

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