Taking a breath

So I've been kind of 'rode hard and put up wet'
the last several weeks. Lots of blessings, and lots
of burdens, and it's been a lot of up-and-down
as a result.  The usual.

This week, health hasn't been great at all, which
weighs on me, and adding to that has been my Mom
going in for heart surgery.

Last night, late, I finally spoke to her and she was
not doing well. For her to say she's unable to talk
because she's not having a good night, that's a big
deal. She puts on a strong front. But she sounded very
weak and pained.....it was a scary night.

I have the date of May 25th looming overhead for
me, too. It was the date of my sobriety until I foolishly
went back out last year, and the celebration for
another in recovery has been announced lately.

I 'should' be a big enough, good enough, strong
enough person that I can just breeze past it and go
to the celebration and wish him well and be humble.
But there is a horrible mix of embarrassment and pain
and memory involved for me. I also know that I will
need to talk that night. I need to have someone in place
to listen.

I have other emotional attachments to the date that
I have not yet mastered. I feel quite a bit of anxiety
regarding the night, and I had considered many
options of what I might do to keep myself occupied
and distracted.

I settled on making myself be around others
so that I could put a positive spin on things.
Celebrate the night in a personal way, and change
the old. I really need to not be alone.

I had a lot of trouble sitting through a meeting last night
but I realized I need to work through that sort of thing.
My disconnectedness, my separateness, my emotional
insecurities....I have to do something to face and tame it.

So I decided to ask if I could hold a special meeting
at our clubhouse on the same night as the big birthday
party, giving a space for me to be safe and a space for
others who might want to attend a discussion group.
I have specifically asked several friends to attend to
support me, and of course it's open to any who need to go.

But already the drama had begun. The questioning as to
why and what and how and the policing of a casual event
that only just crystallized. I really want to say "Either come or
don't come. Problem solved." Why does everything have to
become insanity-based.

All I want is a place to stay sober and sane and connected
for one night. I imagine it will happen exactly like that. I am
trusting that it will. But right now, with everything else on my
mind, the undue drama and conflict are irritating the living
shit out of me.

And that's on me. I have to work on myself and just be
content and whole and not tuned in to what's going on
around me or in others. Let it be. That's really hard for me.

When all this starts I really just want to pick up my marbles
and go home. Just toss it all aside. But that ain't it. I have
something to offer, I have a right to have my needs met too,
and I have to find the delicate balance between being a
doormat and being dominating.

It's hard for me to want to have anything to do with people
at all. 90% of the time I'm content to be by myself to avoid
all the horseshit all together. But I want to be capable and
learn better ways.

Let me be at peace with what others do while not giving
up my ability to prosper. I deserve my own happiness and
well-being. There's more than one way to recover.

Value of the Unseen

Is the truth always best? Can we even
know the difference between truth and
perception? Likely not.

Some days, the fake smiles and the
false pretenses and the stupid upbeat
phrases may seem like the bitter stem
of a delusional dam barely maintaining
the flood waters of despair and
depression.

I guess that beats the alternative.

It's hard to let down the guard of only
relying on what we feel is real and
dependable.

Today, let my prideful brainiac self
not cast smug denouncement on the
simple joys of letting things be okay
just as they are....of giving faith a chance....
of putting off crazy for just one more day.

Maybe I can finally learn the value of
the essential intangibles like Hope, Mercy,
Love, Faith, and Prayer.

Today, let effort and desire be enough
to carry me through. Good days will
come back around. Let me hold fast to
that truth while things are bleak.

Let me see the value of ideals and 'pretenses.'
Today I give circumspection, cynicism, and
criticism a much-needed break.

Heart of the matter

There's no road map, and maybe it's best that way.

We don't choose who we fall in love with, but we
still have the option of choosing whom we love.

The heart wants what it wants, but the brain is
the organ that controls what we do with that
visceral urging. Character is made by our choices.

A desire is not a dictate...we can choose to be as
happy or as miserable as we wish. People have
been living lush, glorious lives--long after a heart
breaks--for centuries. We have what it takes to survive.

We are the architects of our own demises, over
and over again.

We build walls to keep others at bay; we find ways to
feel superior and thus buffer ourselves, we create
barriers with silence and refusals to share, we build
constructs and emit energies that make us seem
unapproachable.

We like control and managing over integrating and
allowing.
We prefer being in charge to giving others their chance.
We maintain self-sufficiency, when another may need
to feel useful and be helpful.
We like the appearance of being well off and having it
together, but we exclude ourselves from open healing
by keeping our wounds covered.

We sabotage and push away and miss opportunities.
We wait for others to act. We hold on to past hurts.
We keep quiet rather than risk showing emotion.
We guard ourselves instead of jumping headlong.
And then we feel lonely and curse the fates.

We have a hand in how the world develops.

"If you want more love, ask for it."
We are only as lonely as we choose to be.

Seen and Unseen

There's certainly a place in life for the stiff upper lip and
putting forth an impressive and hopeful attitude, regardless
of how accurate it may be.

But so many of us in recovery--especially in program-- become
obsessed with keeping up appearances that we fail ourselves
and others.

Maintaining a particular image at all costs IS addictive and
sick behavior. If we are focused on convincing others how
well we are, especially when we aren't, we are isolating
ourselves from true interaction with others.(Yes, you can
spiritually and emotionally isolate while in a crowded room.)

We have an obligation to seek, reach out, and ask for the
help we need, especially in a time of crisis.

We also have an obligation to our fellow travellers to share
our hurts just as readily as we share our advice, support,
and good moods. When we let struggling people know that we
have worries and troubles, too--in the present day, real, active,
alive--we allow them to better connect to our humanity.

We cease being an approachable stalwart and start becoming
a regular person. No pretenses. No separation. No baloney.
People need to know that recovery isn't all sunshine and roses,
in order to understand that when they feel their despair and doubt
it is entirely natural.

We will never know others fully. It's impossible. We aren't meant
to know everything. But if, as people in recovery, we can't make
strides to place more balance between the reality within us and
the self we project to the world, everyone's sobriety is in
jeopardy.

Open, honest and willing is easy to say, but oh-so hard to live.

The Damned Brain

I get these ideas in my head, and I start playing out entire
dramas with them....I know no one else can relate! (Opposite!)

Once it starts, the outside world, reality, perspective...it all
fades away.

One of my issues is this sense of 'not fitting in.' It goes deep
to several old issues and has a multitude of triggers. I have
made strides in quieting the old critical voices and in now
trumpeting my own abilities, but there always seems to be some
place, some thing, or some one which I allow to fester envy or
bring me low.

One chief difficulty is being around other men. Last night at a
meeting, the guys present seemed so confident and attractive and
capable....and all my self-confidence and contentment threatened
to go out the window. I felt like the odd man out, like I didn't
measure up. I'm working hard on not evaluating others based on
looks (for good or for bad,) as well as not selling myself short.
But sometimes it sneaks in.

I didn't give it free reign, however. I pushed past it and continued
talking and working on being a part of the group rather than retreating.
I didn't allow my fear or reserve keep me from participating or giving
my opinion or joining in. I'm learning to focus on the present and not
dwell on the old stuff. I try and remember that everyone else has voices
and fears and insecurities, too, and that a big part of our disease--
and this culture--is in covering up those realities.

So I want to de-power all those old notions. I'm trying to see the complete,
messy, and fully human vision of all people, including me. I choose to
know that doubting myself is based on insanity and learned behavior, not
legitimate reason. I give all the love and acceptance I need to myself,
and realize I am just as I need to be.

Just because something's in my head doesn't make it a fact. Maybe
one day I'll be smart enough to figure that out.

Pathways

I feel as though I've been running in a blizzard for two days.

I'm beat, nauseous, physically weak, and filled with dread.

I'm exhausted, mentally numb, and achy.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

This physical defeat is a byproduct of all the emotional,
psychological, spiritual changes that have been taking place
over recent weeks. I know this. If I gave in to the old and
just gave up, not striving any longer or pushing myself,
I would probably have that superficial bliss of mindless
ignorance. But I won't.

The drive is in me to not only look past the physical lies of
limits, but to recognize it for what it is--a normal aspect of
tremendous growth and the birth process. As a friend said, I feel
like I'm dying and giving birth at the same time. I am.

But it's only the fear and the differences and the uncertainty that
still exist which cause me to look upon the lagging energy as a
detriment or a deterrent. We never get rid of ego, fear, doubt,
and the likes; we just learn how important it is to keep them in
check. And with time and practice, we get better at turning to
our Spirit and Source instead of old habits.

We learn that we master them; they don't master us.
As a public speaker I heard says; "I have cerebral palsy, but
cerebral palsy does NOT have me."

Today I have doubts. Fears. Pain. Distractions. Desires.
But they do not have me.

Thank you for my sobriety.

Owning my Stuff

Well, I pride myself on being as equally honest with self as I try to be

with the world. So I have to take my lumps and address a few things.

I absolutely believe there are things inherent in AA that are
in need of addressing. That has not changed. But I am more
cognizant of the fact that the vast majority of my animosity with
the program was directed at a single person who had 'hurt' me.

To be fair, I realize that I share most responsibility for that hurt. After all....

* I came in vulnerable and capable of being hurt
* I didn't respond to the warning signs
* I  accepted their opinion (criticisms and condemnations and dismissals)
of me as more valid than my own idea of me

* I did not defend my own boundaries.

* I did not refrain from going back for more after I felt the pain
* I did not confront or stand up to the person as immediately or as directly
as was my responsibility

* I probably am as guilty of the same things I blamed him for (defensiveness,

withholding, etc)

* I placed more demands on another person than they deserved

I do not, however, buy the AA philosophy that we are to shrink from
confrontation or ignore another's part. Yes, mine is the only part that I
have any power over. I still need to process a broken heart, to be angry.
But yes, refusing to allow it again is my full problem. Recognizing that
I may have caused hurt too has taken longer to see.

I have had an immensely painful time overcoming what I saw as betrayal,

and the possibility of opening up to anyone new has been whelming.

The answer is that being hurt is simply a given if you are alive. To
what extent you risk is equal to what extent you can be hurt, but
it is also equal to what extent you might experience the good stuff, too.

Without the possibility of becoming vulnerable to another person--
purely, surely, balls-out vulnerable and real--there is no advancement
of intimacy. We get what we give. So if we hide away and stay safe,

we also miss out on connection.

I think the person that bummed me out so bad thinks I created the
"AA-bashing" blog (as he calls it) as a means of getting back at him. Nothing
could be further from the truth. I so deeply associated his presentation
and his spirituality and his program as the same thing. (To be fair, if you
present yourself to hurting vulnerable people as having The Answer if
only they will listen to you, don't be surprised if they come to you.)
This has been my representation of AA for 2 years. As I failed to trust and
believe in him, much of that naturally spilled over into what he believed in
and promoted. For better or worse.

Yes, I was desperate, despairing, lonely, hurting, vulnerable, and weak.
That's pretty well the general state of folks who do come to the
fellowship. Yes, I am bitter, and yes, I do need to move on.

I wanted something to replace all that had been lost. I thought a friend could
help fill the void. The thing I needed was to turn to self and learn self-reliance.
The thing I needed was to face the pain and learn my lessons, but I instead
sought comfort in promises and affections. Another person can never provide
answers or comfort to us. It isn't their job, it isn't smart to need or want
that deeply.
What is the separation between forgiving, yet being cautious enough
to not get screwed again? How do you find balance in moving on and
being emotionally receptive to the new, and yet not be weak and foolish?

How do we learn to forgive entirely, accepting that others are doing their
best with what they know and are capable of?

How do I learn to trust in life and people and remove my dark thoughts
from sabotaging things or keeping distance?

I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm searching.

I don't want to be guilty of the very things I condemn. Sometimes the
way we see is so deeply altered by the story we think we know, nothing
else is possible. Sometimes we forget that others have defenses, too,
and they're there for a reason. Getting angry over things not being what I
want them to be only furthers hurt-- it doesn't relieve it.

Today, let me work for reconciliation. I don't want a life filled with
conflict and regret. Peace.