A journey to embrace, explore, and honor the Freedom and Power inherent in active recovery.

No more shame...

No more shackles....

No more secrets.

The path--and the Power--are within. Be Free.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Damned Brain

I get these ideas in my head, and I start playing out entire
dramas with them....I know no one else can relate! (Opposite!)

Once it starts, the outside world, reality, all
fades away.

One of my issues is this sense of 'not fitting in.' It goes deep
to several old issues and has a multitude of triggers. I have
made strides in quieting the old critical voices and in now
trumpeting my own abilities, but there always seems to be some
place, some thing, or some one which I allow to fester envy or
bring me low.

One chief difficulty is being around other men. Last night at a
meeting, the guys present seemed so confident and attractive and
capable....and all my self-confidence and contentment threatened
to go out the window. I felt like the odd man out, like I didn't
measure up. I'm working hard on not evaluating others based on
looks (for good or for bad,) as well as not selling myself short.
But sometimes it sneaks in.

I didn't give it free reign, however. I pushed past it and continued
talking and working on being a part of the group rather than retreating.
I didn't allow my fear or reserve keep me from participating or giving
my opinion or joining in. I'm learning to focus on the present and not
dwell on the old stuff. I try and remember that everyone else has voices
and fears and insecurities, too, and that a big part of our disease--
and this culture--is in covering up those realities.

So I want to de-power all those old notions. I'm trying to see the complete,
messy, and fully human vision of all people, including me. I choose to
know that doubting myself is based on insanity and learned behavior, not
legitimate reason. I give all the love and acceptance I need to myself,
and realize I am just as I need to be.

Just because something's in my head doesn't make it a fact. Maybe
one day I'll be smart enough to figure that out.

1 comment:

  1. Remember my friend...confidence is a lie that we surround ourselves with in order to hide our insecurities. Learned behavior or not, we each struggle with it. I am probably the King of Insecurity lol. But neuroticism aside, we have "fake it to make it".
    Don't allow anyone to make you feel odd man out. For all of those in attendance were just as, if not more so, flawed.