"How'd ya do it?"

So last Saturday, I was picking up a celebratory cake for
another matter and all of a sudden, standing there looking at
the 'Congratulations' and the cake and having the date
dawn on me, I realized that I have been clean and sober
just over two years!

(No, I didn't forget that I was sober! But with everything
going on of late, and the speed with which each day
processes and plays out, I have not been keeping track of
'important dates' like I used to. Which can be kind of a
good thing, since I used to be morbidly obsessed with all
of the anniversary dates of deaths and losses and so forth.
Now I seem able to keep such things in perspective.)

Of course, my sobriety is long in question with some,
but that's neither here nor there.

My Auntie is still a 'hoot' about it all; she continues as she
has done all along to PUSH alcohol on me every time I go in
her home. (Actually, she's become such a crazy bitch that I
don't spend time with her any longer, but I do still show up to
see the kids...those poor, trapped, victimized kids.)

She'll swagger over with her perma-thermos clutched tight
and say "How about a little drink, Robbie....one won't hurt
you!" and I have taken to saying "No thanks; As you well know,
I don't drink any longer, period." Some times I even say "Fuck
off" since I know it's not her 'crazy' but rather her passive-aggressive
downer negativity that seeks to run me down so we can be
miserable together.

No thanks, Auntie. You and Moms can reminisce about the
old days and have those higher standards....you can drink your
cares away every day and twice on Sunday.....and you can talk
whatever smack you want about me with condescending tones
and dismissive intonations.

I'm gonna do my thing and run my run, and handle my business
when it's all said and done. Staying away from unsupportive and
disinterested people has been a boon for me. Cutting the ties
as much as possible to Nay-Sayers and non-believers and instead
tuning into the voice in my own head that says "Why, of course you
can do it, Robert...you were capable all along!" is a vast improvement.

It's all a matter of what you're willing to believe, and sometimes the
herd of people trumpeting your doom can drown out that lone
voice of hope and reason that says "I can do anything!"

I finally chose to bet on the underdog. You can, too.

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Flexibility

"Bend it don't break it!"

Finding a way to 'get along' without

compromising individual needs and rights

is a tough fit.

Pretty much everyone has an agenda

that doesn't include your well-being,

and it is every person for themselves.

(Don't let anyone's smile or deftness

fool ya otherwise!)

But allowing for people's inadequacies,

inconsistencies, idiocies, illnesses, and

illogic can be taxing if we take it on a

case-by-case or specifics basis.

For self-preservation, the art of being

cool about stuff is a time-saver and a

stress-saver. You can't change most

things, so keeping your condemnation

secret and keeping your comments

restrained is possibly the best way to

avert conflict.

Yeah, sometimes conflict is needed to

protect your boundaries and lay things out

straight for folks, but not as an every-day

all-day venting.

Wanting things a certain way and

expecting things to turn out a certain way

are two completely different ball parks.

Choosing between them, and recognizing

that there is not always going to be

reconciliation, is a step towards peace.

The choice to avoid craziness and conflict is

taking power and remaining in control.

Not everything works out how we want;

how we respond to that reality is the maker

of new worlds.

***

The Center of it All

After all the declarations, all the decisions to do better, all
the fear of losing loved ones or freedom, what is the one thing
that will truly save us in the end?

We must truly decide to Love ourselves.

This consists of many related decisions we have to make.

A true and abiding desire to care for self.
To do what will ensure better health and happiness.
To love self in a nurturing and devoted way.
To sacrifice instant gratification and past methods in favor of
    growing up and metting our own needs.

That's the only lasting and meaningful dedication I know
of that will make a difference.

There is much talk of doing for others in this country,
often to the detriment of self. All this codependency, all this
viewing of self as incomplete unto itself, all of the neediness
and dependence and need for others' approval is par
for the course, but it's dangerous and it's ultimately
unfulfilling and futile.

If you can't care for your self, you can't do for others.

Likewise, if you are dependent on others for esteem
and worth, you will ever be at the mercy of circumstance and
whims.

Self-sufficiency is the key.

Knowing and being true to self.
Being dedicated to mental and emotional and social and
physical health.
Putting one's own needs ahead of others' and not being a
doormat any longer.
Meeting your needs and doing what it takes to survive.

There is no morality required to quit drinking and drugging.

You need to know that you're worth the effort.
If you were never told, it's nonetheless true.

You are the center of your own universe, and there's
responsibility required to run that show.


***************************************