Friday, March 18, 2011
Pragmatism Vs. Faith
The faith thing is what leaves me cold. Basically, it says
"I'm here. Whatever happens, happens... and then I'll apply
some assumed meaning to it to suit my ego or self-hate,
depending on whether it's a Blessing or a Curse."
I need facts. I need legitimate, grounded stuff I can look
to...not just "Fall back and trust you'll be caught"
like I've been told so many times. Damn--I need help
learning how to talk to humans. I need to know how to
find a job. I need to know how to fix a flat tire. I don't
need to learn to be a wallflower and leave things to chance!
You know what happens when you 'cease fighting'?
You give up on life. You get run over by everyone and
everything. You accept victim-hood and allow mediocrity.
I don't believe in fairy tales; I have to grow up.
The ability to fix self is within me, when my crazy thinking gets put
aside long enough to recognize it. Like all religions, AA proper
can't work unless it makes you dependent on it; so how else
can they do that unless they tell you that:
1) You can't do it without our take on things
2) You're forever in need of coming back
3) You're a worthless schlep who needs to be humbled and
told to think like the rest of us.
Too harsh, for some, I'm sure. Don't misunderstand; I love
some people in the program for what they has done for me,
but it has been a
battle to separate "What I like" from "The Rest" ...But I will
always be grateful to the program, the principles, and the
people for the portion of fellowship that was provided.
I'm also grateful for the invaluable lesson of having acceptance
and love withheld when I refused to follow the dictates of the
group, allowing me insight into the universal truth of mob rule.
People love you when it is convenient and you have something
to offer them. When you cease reflecting the appropriate idea
or image back at them, when you make them uncomfortable,
you get the boot.
We're all on our own. I really needed that driven home in order
to strike out on my own and become a stronger person.
NOT powerless. I CHOSE to be powerless. I am