We often remain under the dead weight and trappings of
unuseful thoughts, patterns, beliefs, relationships, etc. long
after we have lost the purpose or joy once inherent in them.
My difficulty with proceeding forward from bad situations
stems in part from the normal human need for consistency
and regulation and repetition, all of which substitute nicely
for actual contentedness. But I also have some very deep-
seated aversion to change, difficulty with conflict of any
sort, and abandonment and trust issues that taint every corner
of my world. 'Losing' anything is traumatic, even if the end
result is my own good. (Not that this is unique among folks
with addictive personalities!)
This is a predicament I find myself in repeatedly, without much
resolution; The juxtaposed fear of releasing something known
to be detrimental because it is familiar, while avoiding needed
and positive change because it is unknown.
It all comes down to matters of trust.
If you find you can't trust people, you can't trust life, you fear
you can't trust self (based largely on very subjectively culled
past events and interpretations,) why would you trust the
process of life in specific or general?
Getting to the root of all the reluctance to change, healing,
growth, living fully, and just plain 'being' is exhausting and
terrifying. But as we can easily determine in others, from the
outside looking in, "You can't treat a rash without dropping
some drawers!"
**************************************************
No comments:
Post a Comment